Finding My Father

I lost my father at the very young age of seven and throughout my life, I have longed for a father figure in my life. Psychiatrists say that fathers are very important for a young girl's development into a woman and the type of father she has will shape her future relationships with the men in her life. And the same with mothers and sons.

As I became a young woman, I found myself drawn to older men, not in a sexual way but in a way that mystified me because I didn't understand it. But drawn I was; to my much older boss, my college professor, the next door neighbor. It wasn't until I was much older and had gotten divorced from my first husband that I came to realize why I was so drawn to older men and what a true father was.

My ex father-in-law was the complete opposite of my real father; steady, reliable and dependable. I had never known what a father was as my real fyather was not equipped to be there for me as a child. And so after searching my whole life for a father figure, my ex father-in-law stepped in and became the father I had never really known.

Edward was Polish, had a heart of gold and had been a cook in the Navy for over twenty years. After his stint in the navy, he worked at an auto salvage yard and hardly ever missed a day of work. Many were the nights we would have long conversations that lasted hours on the deck. The convesations were wide and varied ranging from how the brain worked to his memory at the age of four of people being loaded onto trains by the Germans to the vastness of the solar system to the reality of Angels. We became very close.
He supported me and my decisions but never hesitated to tell me his opinion if he didn't agree with something. He told me often what a good mother I was, how intelligent I was, how he admired how I carried myself. His compliments to many were few and far between so when he made one to me, I was extremely touched and proud and took it straight to my heart because I knew he meant it sincerely.
And I respected him because of the man he was. He was there for his family and made sure they were taken care of. And I began to love and adore this gruff old man and to think of him as as my father and he often told me that he loved me and that I was his daughter. Every morning I would stop by before work and have coffee with him before we started our day and it seems that we never ran out of things to talk about. I often asked his opinion on many things and he would give it honestly and sincerely. And I always followed his advice.

And so, my search for a father came to an end and I had the father in my life I had always longed for...for six years until a massive heart attack took his life. And I lost a father once again, only this time, I felt as though I would die from the grief. I had lost the only real father I had ever known and it was an unbearable loss for me. It took years to get over and I still miss his presence in my life profoundly. I like to think that Edward watches over me and that comforts me and governs my behavior to a great degree.

I raised both my sons without their father's presence in their lives and while it causes me sadness I cannot begin to describe, somehow I feel when the time is right, Edward will send someone to be a father figure to both my sons and hopefully it will be a wonderful man just like he was.

Because what I've learned is it is never too late to find a father and it's never too late to be a father. And as a therapist once told me, "If you can't live with the family you have, then you make your own family."

I Love You, Edward...Thank you for being my father and allowing me to be your daughter.
You couldn't have given me a greater gift...

Until next time...

Love and Light To All,
LadiofZen

The World As I See It...

The vision of the world has changed vastly for me through the years.

There have been times when I saw no light, no hope, no me.

I spent my time looking back at hurtful times and regretting decisions that I had made either by my own choice or because I had no choice at all. Resentments set heavy in my chest because of the mental illness I had inherited from my parents. I felt sadness and loss as heavy as though the feelings were a thick cloak I wore around my shoulders. And I grieved for the person I was and the person I could have been.

Those days thankfully, for the most part, are over. I'm grateful for so much these days that is hardly seems worth the time to look back with regrets. Don't get me wrong, I still do sometimes as we all do but it is a rarity  and not nearly with as much sadness. I understand much more than I used to about life and how easily we can get locked into viewing only the bad and forgetting the good stands right beside awaiting a glance, an acknowledgement that it does indeed exist.

My sons are a such a joy to me on a constant daily basis that the old pain of not having ten children and living in a shoe, seem irrelevant.

I have wonderful friends that I love dearly.

Not to mention a dog the size of a horse who is the smartest and gentlest of any creature I have ever known and three cats with their own distinct personalities. My sons, my friends, my dog and my cats...they are my family.

And though I'm not living as exactly as I would like, I realize that your life is what you make it. 

I never believed that old saying. I never believed that you could have any power over your life.

I do now. I know now that everything is a choice from getting up in the morning to living your life with joy, hope and love. I understand that truth is most important and that honesty is always the best policy, although at times it may seem difficult in this 'graceless age'.

And that laughter is indeed very good for the soul.

And I know that I am much stronger than I ever believed I could be, that I am intelligent and that I have gifts no one else has. Am I being conceited? No, I am believing in my self and there is a difference.

And I am unbelievably grateful for the people that have come into my life. Some have stayed and are with me still, some have stayed awhile and moved on and some were only with me for a moment but all of them, every single one, taught me something and left me with a gift

.

And so, I guess my message to you would be that 'Choice' is or should be one of the most important words in your vocabulary because it determines not only who you are but who you can be.

Someone who loves and is loved, who lives with joy, wonder and hope and believes that anything is possible. Because, you know what? 

Anything is...

Until next time, My Friends...

Light and Love To You,

Ladiof Zen

The Glories of Friendship

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” Anonymous

Friends are essential to be healthy and well rounded. We all need friends, every single one of us and I have had different types of friends in every stage of my life. In my teenage years, my friends were, like me, in a stage of rebellion and so we rebelled with drugs, alcohol and rock and roll as well as no holds barred behavior. In my twenties and thirties, because I had a child, my friends were most often other mothers who had children and shared interests. Now as my youngest son approaches eighteen and is almost grown, my friends have changed once again.

Of course, there are the special friends, the ones you've known almost your whole life, like Cher who I've known since I was thirteen and who I babysat and diapered and our friendship is over thirty five years old.

I love Cher dearly and she is like a daughter to me.

Jodi is a friend who is intelligent, gifted and so extremely funny that she will invariably cause me to laugh out loud frequently. She is also supportive, loving and thoughtful.

And there is Sue, who no matter how much time elapses between long distance phone calls, the conversation seems to pick up right where it left off from the previous phone call and with the conversation always ending with 'I love you'.

Carol knows me inside and out, celebrates the quirky person that I am and who loves me anyway.

She is the type of friend who will offer to drive forty miles to take me to the doctor or bring me 'get well' food when I am sick, keeps my secrets close to her heart and who I can tell anything to.

Carol is one of my dearest friends and because I know I can trust her with anything, she knows more about me than almost anyone. She never judges, is always there for me and I can always rely on her to answer a question with honesty.

There are many, many others who have touched my heart but these are the four that stand out at the moment. I am so grateful for their friendship and I'd like to think that I am as good a friend to them as they are to me. Friendship isn't a one way street. You have to be a good friend to have a good friend. It's as simple as that.

When my beloved mother passed away a few months ago, I was touched and surprised at how many people sent their condolences but it was Carol, Caz and Jodi who were there standing by my side as I struggled to face the loss of a parent. As depression overwhelmed me, these woman stood steadfastly at my side, offering support and love and yet giving me enough room to grieve. That is a true friend and a great gift...

Since I have become older and hopefully wiser, my choices for friends have become much more selective in terms of what I can offer a friend and what they can offer me. I know that I don't have room in my life for someone who chooses to remain stuck or mired in their own misery. That is a choice and if you choose that, I won't be by your side, stuck in the mire with you. That isn't to say I won't gladly carry your burdens along with my own because I will just as I know you will carry mine but living joyfully and in the present is also a choice and the type of person that I choose to surround myself with. Nor will I be embroiled in drama. Life is simply too short and there are too many other things I would rather be doing than acting as a bit player in the 'great play' of your life.

Friends are a gift that we give ourselves and my friends are indeed gifts to be celebrated and cherished.

I am more grateful than they will ever know that they have chosen to be part of my life.

My life is all the richer because of them.

Friends...what would life be without them?

Until next time...

Love and Light To You All,

LadiofZen

Hated (1994)

Hated is a documentary by Todd Phillips of the life of legendary punk rock musician, GG Allin and a more disgusting or disturbing man you will most likely, never know. Utterly and completely insane; he was as crude and violent, as unpleasant and untalented a musician as a person could possibly be.

His behavior was so utterly obscene, it was not even to be believed by the most hard core of punk rockers.  One of his favorite things to do on stage was to urinate and defaecate and then eat his own feces and drink his own urine. Yes, you read that right. He also hurled it at the audience.

He was so violent and so devoid of human empathy, it is said had he not been a musician, he most easily could have been a serial killer. He was known for assaulting his own audience and more often than not, he was beaten up or arrested before his shows even began.

His shows usually ended with him naked and covered in blood after gouging and cutting himself and  members of the audience were always encouraged to perform oral sex on him.

It was often said that attending one of his shows was like going to a freak show.

His behavior often overshadowed his music which was by many standards, raw and forgettable .

Although he did have a cult following, local critics and police were so enraged by his antics, it landed him in jail no less than 50 times.

His personal life was just as disturbing. Often thought to have severe mental disorders which were made, no doubt much worse by his acute addiction to drugs and alcohol, in 1989 he was was arrested for the torture and rape of a woman in Michigan. He was accused of burning, cutting and raping the woman as well as forcing her to drink blood and Allin denied all charges, insisting that it was mutual and consensual, and surprisingly to a degree, the judge agreed and reduced the charges to felony assault and Allin served about a year and a half in prison.

Allin's life ended as memorably as he had lived it. On the night of June 27, 1993, he went onstage at a club in New York City. Two songs in, the power went out and Allin sailed into the crowd where he proceeded to destroy anything in the club that he could get his hands on. Allin went out into the streets, naked and covered in blood and feces and so did the crowd as Allin attempted to embrace his fans who were reveling in the street. Allin ended up at a friend’s apartment where he died of a heroin overdose in the early hours of June 28. Although dead, his partying friends continued to pose with him and take pictures until one of them realized something was not quite right and called the paramedics. Allin was pronounced dead at the scene. He was 36.

The photo above shows Allin lying in his coffin. He is dressed in a jacket and jock strap.

Todd Phillips documentary on the man is nothing short of brilliant. It does not judge the man or his music, but documents a phenomenon. Phillips looks at GG with unflinching honesty and does not sugarcoat the reality of a most disturbed individual who continuously lashed out at the world around him.

If you like documentaries and are interested in how they SHOULD be done, you should honestly check out Hated, which is a serious and honest look at the psychopathology of the insanity of a lone outsider, but be warned: it is graphic.

Until next time...

Love and Light To All,

LadiofZen

Laughter...

 

I love to laugh. I mean, really laugh. People and friends have told me that when I laugh, it is rich and full and from the belly. And I love persons who can make me laugh, in spite of myself. Make me laugh and you have a friend for life. I'm an extrovert and so outgoing, that I find a grin or a chuckle almost everywhere I go and with everyone I meet. Many is the time I have been speaking with someone in person, online or on the phone and laughed out loud in sheer delight at what was said.

I can't help it...I love to laugh.

Which is a good trade off for when I cycle down and things don't seem so funny anymore. Then it's an effort to simply get through the day, to do the necessary things that need to be done for my sons and for the house. I was born with this disorder, although there is some debate on whether I was born with this disorder or this disorder was caused by events that occurred in my childhood. But no one, not even physicians are certain or for sure. As years passed and I began to try to learn about this illness, one of the first things I discovered was how to be pro-active in terms of my own medical care.

I googled medications and learned about their effectiveness and side effects. If I found a medication that I believed might make a difference, I brought it up to my doctor and we would discuss it and make a decision on whether it would be helpful for me. But medication can only do so much. I also realized that therapy would be helpful in getting past the trauma I experienced and so for five years, I faced the past, sometimes flinching and sometimes with anger and tears but I faced it and got to the other side.

The rest, I found, was up to me and that is when I began exploring different avenues to help myself to lead a fuller and happier life. My disorder is only a very small part of who I am, not the sum of who I am.

 I began to study meditation and now meditate for and hour and a half a day. I make an effort to get enough sleep. I work out every day. I make sure that I always have medication on hand and try to be very conscientious on when it is to be refilled. I eat healthy.

And...I laugh. A Lot...

What is the old saying?

"Laughter is the best medicine".

And you know what? I really believe it's true...

Smile, grin or laugh...for any reason or for no reason.

It makes the day unbelievably bright...

Until next time, My Friends...

Love and Light,

LadiofZen

The End Of The World As I Knew It...

Monday October 26, 2009, my world as I knew it came to an end.

My mother, who was my best friend, fiercest supporter and favorite person, passed away.

My mother had Alzheimer's for several years and the last few had been the hardest as she lost the ability to speak and recognize family members. When I would visit her, I felt such anguish at not being able to communicate with her since one of our favorite things before she fell ill, had been to sit and talk for hours.

My mother had a wonderful sense of humor and many were the times where we would become hysterical over something silly, tears running down our faces as we uncontrollably laughed. Her death wasn't unexpected since she had been in a hospice nursing home but her death seemed unreal to me, like a hideous nightmare I wanted desperately to awake from.

At the funeral as I went up to her casket sobbing, I lay my head on her stomach as I had done so many times as a small child. The pain of knowing I would never see her again, talk or laugh with her or just be with her, was devastating for me although the feeling wasn't something new. I have missed her presence in my life for the past several years as she became more and more ill with Alzheimer's as well as other illnesses.  My mother had a very hard life and it wasn't until recently I realized how very strong she was and what unbreakable spirit she had. I am proud of my mother, of the person she was. After the funeral, at the family gathering, my siblings told me how very much like my mother I was in my gestures and appearance and I take that as a comfort.

Her support of me as an adult was unwavering, her love constant and her friendship a joy. That support, love and friendship was not just limited to me but to my two sons, Joshuea and Jefferson, whom she loved as though they were her own.

On one of the last visits I had with her, as I was leaning over her to say goodbye, I kissed her forehead and told her how much I loved her, I saw tears brimming in her eyes. The look on her face almost undid me as I, myself began to cry. I told her how very much I loved her and that we would always be together, and always be a part of each other.

And I think, in my heart that she not only heard me, but understood me as well.

I love you Mommy, so much.

Be happy now, you are free...

LadiofZen

Posts will be on hold...

As my mother passed away yesterday after fighting a very long battle with Alzheimer's.
Please if you would, say a prayer for her. Thank you and God bless...


LadiofZen