I Believe ...

... That everything happens for a reason, from the good to the bad. So with that being said, I have to admit that I am in love. I have only loved like this once before in my life and that ended tragically. I made many mistakes with that relationship and I am determined not to make the same ones with this very new relationship.

Because I have Bipolar Disorder, and am an adult survivor of abuse as well as having come from a very dysfunctional family, relationships take much more work for me than the average person.
I have to constantly remind myself to trust. To stand still while my lover begins to know me inside and out. And to allow myself the joy of feeling loved and loving in return.
Is it easy? Yes and no. Yes because I so adore this special person in my life and no because I have to address knee jerk reactions that come up for me frequently and process them to avoid certain reactions that could cause misunderstandings between myself and my partner.

And while I have shared very important issues such as my medical disorders, the fact that I take three daily medications to control it and that I have to see a psychiatrist every month, there are certain issues regarding my past trauma and my childhood that I have not shared yet but when the time is right, I will because I know now that it is important to do so to establish emotional intimacy and trust. I used to believe that sharing my abuse and trauma would cause too much distress and so I chose not to share with anyone. I kept that part of myself private and closed off, resolutely refusing to share with anyone that chose to come into my life.

And then came K who taught me that if your partner truly loves you, she will gladly carry your burdens along with her own because you would do the same for her. That sharing your mind is just as important as sharing your body, if not more so. And that allowing yourself to be loved is vital to being loved.

So Thank you K...for the gifts you gave me. I couldn't see them then in the haze of my grief but I see them them now in all their glory and I am so grateful to you from the bottom of my heart for your strength and compassion in loving me. You taught me so much. And I so dearly wish I could have understood then what I understand now. But know that I cherish you and your gifts with all of my heart.

And while I could not understand why we both had to go through what we went through together then,
maybe I do now. Because maybe the gifts you gave me were meant for the love I am with now.
Thank you GG for your unending patience and compassion. Thank you Bren for being my sister, in heart and soul.

And to my new love? And you know who you are. Be patient with me and I know that you will, as I strive to love you and allow myself to be loved by you. Know that one day I will share everything with you, I promise...

Love...ain't it grand?

Until next time, My Dear Friends...

Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen

Going on Faith

...So now a group of Italian scientists are claiming that 'The Shroud of Turin' is a man made fake. For those of you who are not familiar, 'The Shroud of Turin' is revered as the ancient burial cloth of Jesus Christ. The shroud shows the image of a man who was crucified with wounds in the wrists and feet with bloodstains seeping. Believers say the image was recorded at the time of Christ's resurrection.

The scientists reproduced the shroud using materials that were available in the 14th century so therefore they say, it is a hoax and a fake. And yet, certain things about the original remain unexplained, such as certain discolorations and markings that believers say could not be reproduced by any type of human means.

I'm one of the believers and it annoys me that for many, many years, certain groups have tried to disprove 'The Shroud of Turin' a fake. Why is it so important to prove that it is not real? Even if it were 'man made' it is a constant reminder of Christ's Crucifixion and Resurrection.  Is it so wrong in this graceless day and age to want to believe there is a power greater than ourselves? And that this power loves us unconditionally? 

I am a spiritual person but don't believe in orthodox religion nor do I attend church services. Buddhism comes closest to my belief system. Many religions, if not all, are based on the belief that there is a greater force than ourselves at work. Call it 'God', 'The Universe' or whatever your name for it might be, it brings comfort and peace to millions upon millions every second of every single day. 

Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing as defined by Wikipedia. It also means believing without having concrete evidence and having trust in oneself and in your own personal beliefs.

Saying that I believe in 'The Shroud of Turin' is also saying I believe in God, The Universe and 'The Powers That Be' and that comforts me. It makes me all the more aware that we are not alone in this very large and sometimes frightening world and that there is a 'Force and or Power' looking out for us, even when we feel the most lost, and that it is continual and never ending.

"The Shroud of Turin' is real because I believe it to be so. Because I have faith. Because I trust...

What do you believe?

Until next time, Love and Light to You All...

For more information about 'The Shroud of Turin' go to http://www.shroud.com/index.htm