Learning To Practice Forgiveness...For Yourself

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.[1] The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

Sounds pretty clear cut, doesn't it? Someone does you wrong and or you do someone wrong and you just let it go, right? Wrong...
For most of us, true forgiveness requires much effort, especially when we have been hurt in some way and resentment still lingers. We say we have forgiven them and we tell those who have asked that, "Oh yes, I have let that go".
But have you? Really?

Recently, I wrote a letter to someone who I had hurt some years ago. Because all I had an old address, I sent it to the old address in hopes it would be forwarded to her. I wanted to thank her and I wanted her to know how very much I appreciated her during the time we were friends. I had already asked her forgiveness many times as during the time I had been friends with her, I was very ill with bipolar disorder and as a result, my actions hurt her deeply but knowing her as I do, I do believe she forgave me.

The problem was...I hadn't forgiven myself. I still carried great guilt over the hurt I had caused. Yes, I was ill but that doesn't negate my actions and
I couldn't let go of the fact that I had wounded someone I had so cared about.
And I began to try and forgive myself. It wasn't easy and suffice to say that it took a great deal of reorganization of thinking. I had to honestly admit to myself what I had done and then begin to forgive myself for it.

Learning to forgive yourself for past mistakes is healing and healthy. We are all human and not a single one of us is perfect, although some of us may wish we were. Yes, I still make mistakes and because I am human, I always will. Just as you will...

But what I learned from my above mentioned friend, who was wise beyond her years and then some, the most important thing to remember when a mistake is made is to learn from it and if possible, try your best not to repeat it.

And for myself, I have learned the hard way that words hurt. They cut and they bruise and once they are spoken can never, ever be taken back. Yes, you may be forgiven but those words will always linger. So, STOP, THINK and PAUSE before you speak...most especially in anger or hurt. Because in the heat of things, the words you meant to say may come out totally different that you thought they might and irreparable damage could be done to a relationship that may mean a great deal to you.

Oh yes...and the letter to my friend? She never got it.
It was intercepted by one of her friends and I was informed of it.

And that's okay because I didn't expect a response and I didn't want one.
That letter was for her...but it was also for me. It was part of me 'forgiving myself' and closure to a very sad part of my life.
I'd like to think that what I wrote in that letter, she already knew.

And so, today I forgive myself for hurting you, my friend and I forgive you for hurting me.
And while I know you will never see this, its enough.
I did what I needed to do...for me.

Until next time My Dear Friends,

LadiofZen

FIELDS by Lizabella Stephenson

FIELDS

Where are we going

I ask my love

For a walk

She tells me

And I smile 

At this new adventure

This odyssey she will take me on

I gaze at the sleek fineness of her skin 

The dark eloquence of her eyes

She takes my hand in hers

And we walk, her and I

Through overgrown and lush fields

Fertile and fragrant 

The green growth strokes our thighs as we walk

I feel the warm graciousness of the sun on my back 

And I want to pull my lover down

Here, in the brilliant and perfumed paradise

And linger

Down amongst this ambrosial softness 

And place honeyed smooth kisses

Upon the tender arch at her throat

But I continue to walk with her

This woman who has so totally captured my heart

Here, she says and pulls me gently down beside her

I feel the warm sweet breezes playing with my face and neck

You must let me go, she tells me

And I feel a deep quaking in my soul

How can I let go of this woman?

As much a part of my heart

As the veins that run through it

If I let her go

This love of mine

Who will I be?

As long and as tightly as I have held on to her 

I can't, I won't

Please don't ask this of me

I ask no more of you, she answers

Than I ask of myself

I reach for her hands

But now they are fragile and weak

The silky smoothness that was her voice 

Is husky, harsh and a wound to my ears, heart and my soul

I look into my love's face

And it is a face of illness, pain and suffering

Eyes now dull and lusterless 

The winds have changed

Glacial, frigid and cutting

The sky, dark and ominous

The grasses in which we sit

Are dry and jagged and bruise my skin

I look away across the fields in which we sit

And I am full of anguish, desolation and regrets

I love you, she says, I always will

I feel warmth upon my back

And it is bright again

The grasses are soft with sympathy and forgiving

The sun is out again, I turn to tell her

But she is gone

A trick of light

Or a figment of my imagination?

I lift myself to my feet

And begin to move forward

Head up, eyes on the horizon

It's what she would have wanted

And it's what I will give her... 

LizaBella Stephenson