I Believe ...

... That everything happens for a reason, from the good to the bad. So with that being said, I have to admit that I am in love. I have only loved like this once before in my life and that ended tragically. I made many mistakes with that relationship and I am determined not to make the same ones with this very new relationship.

Because I have Bipolar Disorder, and am an adult survivor of abuse as well as having come from a very dysfunctional family, relationships take much more work for me than the average person.
I have to constantly remind myself to trust. To stand still while my lover begins to know me inside and out. And to allow myself the joy of feeling loved and loving in return.
Is it easy? Yes and no. Yes because I so adore this special person in my life and no because I have to address knee jerk reactions that come up for me frequently and process them to avoid certain reactions that could cause misunderstandings between myself and my partner.

And while I have shared very important issues such as my medical disorders, the fact that I take three daily medications to control it and that I have to see a psychiatrist every month, there are certain issues regarding my past trauma and my childhood that I have not shared yet but when the time is right, I will because I know now that it is important to do so to establish emotional intimacy and trust. I used to believe that sharing my abuse and trauma would cause too much distress and so I chose not to share with anyone. I kept that part of myself private and closed off, resolutely refusing to share with anyone that chose to come into my life.

And then came K who taught me that if your partner truly loves you, she will gladly carry your burdens along with her own because you would do the same for her. That sharing your mind is just as important as sharing your body, if not more so. And that allowing yourself to be loved is vital to being loved.

So Thank you K...for the gifts you gave me. I couldn't see them then in the haze of my grief but I see them them now in all their glory and I am so grateful to you from the bottom of my heart for your strength and compassion in loving me. You taught me so much. And I so dearly wish I could have understood then what I understand now. But know that I cherish you and your gifts with all of my heart.

And while I could not understand why we both had to go through what we went through together then,
maybe I do now. Because maybe the gifts you gave me were meant for the love I am with now.
Thank you GG for your unending patience and compassion. Thank you Bren for being my sister, in heart and soul.

And to my new love? And you know who you are. Be patient with me and I know that you will, as I strive to love you and allow myself to be loved by you. Know that one day I will share everything with you, I promise...

Love...ain't it grand?

Until next time, My Dear Friends...

Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen

Laughter...

 

I love to laugh. I mean, really laugh. People and friends have told me that when I laugh, it is rich and full and from the belly. And I love persons who can make me laugh, in spite of myself. Make me laugh and you have a friend for life. I'm an extrovert and so outgoing, that I find a grin or a chuckle almost everywhere I go and with everyone I meet. Many is the time I have been speaking with someone in person, online or on the phone and laughed out loud in sheer delight at what was said.

I can't help it...I love to laugh.

Which is a good trade off for when I cycle down and things don't seem so funny anymore. Then it's an effort to simply get through the day, to do the necessary things that need to be done for my sons and for the house. I was born with this disorder, although there is some debate on whether I was born with this disorder or this disorder was caused by events that occurred in my childhood. But no one, not even physicians are certain or for sure. As years passed and I began to try to learn about this illness, one of the first things I discovered was how to be pro-active in terms of my own medical care.

I googled medications and learned about their effectiveness and side effects. If I found a medication that I believed might make a difference, I brought it up to my doctor and we would discuss it and make a decision on whether it would be helpful for me. But medication can only do so much. I also realized that therapy would be helpful in getting past the trauma I experienced and so for five years, I faced the past, sometimes flinching and sometimes with anger and tears but I faced it and got to the other side.

The rest, I found, was up to me and that is when I began exploring different avenues to help myself to lead a fuller and happier life. My disorder is only a very small part of who I am, not the sum of who I am.

 I began to study meditation and now meditate for and hour and a half a day. I make an effort to get enough sleep. I work out every day. I make sure that I always have medication on hand and try to be very conscientious on when it is to be refilled. I eat healthy.

And...I laugh. A Lot...

What is the old saying?

"Laughter is the best medicine".

And you know what? I really believe it's true...

Smile, grin or laugh...for any reason or for no reason.

It makes the day unbelievably bright...

Until next time, My Friends...

Love and Light,

LadiofZen