I Believe ...

... That everything happens for a reason, from the good to the bad. So with that being said, I have to admit that I am in love. I have only loved like this once before in my life and that ended tragically. I made many mistakes with that relationship and I am determined not to make the same ones with this very new relationship.

Because I have Bipolar Disorder, and am an adult survivor of abuse as well as having come from a very dysfunctional family, relationships take much more work for me than the average person.
I have to constantly remind myself to trust. To stand still while my lover begins to know me inside and out. And to allow myself the joy of feeling loved and loving in return.
Is it easy? Yes and no. Yes because I so adore this special person in my life and no because I have to address knee jerk reactions that come up for me frequently and process them to avoid certain reactions that could cause misunderstandings between myself and my partner.

And while I have shared very important issues such as my medical disorders, the fact that I take three daily medications to control it and that I have to see a psychiatrist every month, there are certain issues regarding my past trauma and my childhood that I have not shared yet but when the time is right, I will because I know now that it is important to do so to establish emotional intimacy and trust. I used to believe that sharing my abuse and trauma would cause too much distress and so I chose not to share with anyone. I kept that part of myself private and closed off, resolutely refusing to share with anyone that chose to come into my life.

And then came K who taught me that if your partner truly loves you, she will gladly carry your burdens along with her own because you would do the same for her. That sharing your mind is just as important as sharing your body, if not more so. And that allowing yourself to be loved is vital to being loved.

So Thank you K...for the gifts you gave me. I couldn't see them then in the haze of my grief but I see them them now in all their glory and I am so grateful to you from the bottom of my heart for your strength and compassion in loving me. You taught me so much. And I so dearly wish I could have understood then what I understand now. But know that I cherish you and your gifts with all of my heart.

And while I could not understand why we both had to go through what we went through together then,
maybe I do now. Because maybe the gifts you gave me were meant for the love I am with now.
Thank you GG for your unending patience and compassion. Thank you Bren for being my sister, in heart and soul.

And to my new love? And you know who you are. Be patient with me and I know that you will, as I strive to love you and allow myself to be loved by you. Know that one day I will share everything with you, I promise...

Love...ain't it grand?

Until next time, My Dear Friends...

Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen