Finding My Father

I lost my father at the very young age of seven and throughout my life, I have longed for a father figure in my life. Psychiatrists say that fathers are very important for a young girl's development into a woman and the type of father she has will shape her future relationships with the men in her life. And the same with mothers and sons.

As I became a young woman, I found myself drawn to older men, not in a sexual way but in a way that mystified me because I didn't understand it. But drawn I was; to my much older boss, my college professor, the next door neighbor. It wasn't until I was much older and had gotten divorced from my first husband that I came to realize why I was so drawn to older men and what a true father was.

My ex father-in-law was the complete opposite of my real father; steady, reliable and dependable. I had never known what a father was as my real fyather was not equipped to be there for me as a child. And so after searching my whole life for a father figure, my ex father-in-law stepped in and became the father I had never really known.

Edward was Polish, had a heart of gold and had been a cook in the Navy for over twenty years. After his stint in the navy, he worked at an auto salvage yard and hardly ever missed a day of work. Many were the nights we would have long conversations that lasted hours on the deck. The convesations were wide and varied ranging from how the brain worked to his memory at the age of four of people being loaded onto trains by the Germans to the vastness of the solar system to the reality of Angels. We became very close.
He supported me and my decisions but never hesitated to tell me his opinion if he didn't agree with something. He told me often what a good mother I was, how intelligent I was, how he admired how I carried myself. His compliments to many were few and far between so when he made one to me, I was extremely touched and proud and took it straight to my heart because I knew he meant it sincerely.
And I respected him because of the man he was. He was there for his family and made sure they were taken care of. And I began to love and adore this gruff old man and to think of him as as my father and he often told me that he loved me and that I was his daughter. Every morning I would stop by before work and have coffee with him before we started our day and it seems that we never ran out of things to talk about. I often asked his opinion on many things and he would give it honestly and sincerely. And I always followed his advice.

And so, my search for a father came to an end and I had the father in my life I had always longed for...for six years until a massive heart attack took his life. And I lost a father once again, only this time, I felt as though I would die from the grief. I had lost the only real father I had ever known and it was an unbearable loss for me. It took years to get over and I still miss his presence in my life profoundly. I like to think that Edward watches over me and that comforts me and governs my behavior to a great degree.

I raised both my sons without their father's presence in their lives and while it causes me sadness I cannot begin to describe, somehow I feel when the time is right, Edward will send someone to be a father figure to both my sons and hopefully it will be a wonderful man just like he was.

Because what I've learned is it is never too late to find a father and it's never too late to be a father. And as a therapist once told me, "If you can't live with the family you have, then you make your own family."

I Love You, Edward...Thank you for being my father and allowing me to be your daughter.
You couldn't have given me a greater gift...

Until next time...

Love and Light To All,
LadiofZen