The End Of The World As I Knew It...

Monday October 26, 2009, my world as I knew it came to an end.

My mother, who was my best friend, fiercest supporter and favorite person, passed away.

My mother had Alzheimer's for several years and the last few had been the hardest as she lost the ability to speak and recognize family members. When I would visit her, I felt such anguish at not being able to communicate with her since one of our favorite things before she fell ill, had been to sit and talk for hours.

My mother had a wonderful sense of humor and many were the times where we would become hysterical over something silly, tears running down our faces as we uncontrollably laughed. Her death wasn't unexpected since she had been in a hospice nursing home but her death seemed unreal to me, like a hideous nightmare I wanted desperately to awake from.

At the funeral as I went up to her casket sobbing, I lay my head on her stomach as I had done so many times as a small child. The pain of knowing I would never see her again, talk or laugh with her or just be with her, was devastating for me although the feeling wasn't something new. I have missed her presence in my life for the past several years as she became more and more ill with Alzheimer's as well as other illnesses.  My mother had a very hard life and it wasn't until recently I realized how very strong she was and what unbreakable spirit she had. I am proud of my mother, of the person she was. After the funeral, at the family gathering, my siblings told me how very much like my mother I was in my gestures and appearance and I take that as a comfort.

Her support of me as an adult was unwavering, her love constant and her friendship a joy. That support, love and friendship was not just limited to me but to my two sons, Joshuea and Jefferson, whom she loved as though they were her own.

On one of the last visits I had with her, as I was leaning over her to say goodbye, I kissed her forehead and told her how much I loved her, I saw tears brimming in her eyes. The look on her face almost undid me as I, myself began to cry. I told her how very much I loved her and that we would always be together, and always be a part of each other.

And I think, in my heart that she not only heard me, but understood me as well.

I love you Mommy, so much.

Be happy now, you are free...

LadiofZen