Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Ten Years Later...Will Casey Anthony Ever Be Forgiven?


In 2011, Casey Anthony was acquitted of the murder of her 2 year old daughter, Caylee.
The case was sensationalized all over the World and the mystery surrounding Caylee's death has never really been adequately explained.
The conflicting stories told by her mother, Casey would only further obscure the truth and slowed down the process
in finding her daughter, whom she claimed had been missing for thirty one days.
It was during this time that Casey's father George Anthony, in picking up his daughter's broken down car, opened the trunk
and found bags of stifling garbage and also ... the smell of a dead body.
Her mother Cindy immediately called the Police to report her grandchild missing and later, again to report the smell in her daughter's car.
When Casey was asked why she hadn't reported her daughter missing sooner, a convolution of lies were told that were so twisted
and unbelievable that neither the Police nor the public knew what to believe.
And the search for Caylee began as her mother, Casey partied with friends and co-workers.
On December 11, 2008, Caylee's remains were found with a blanket inside of a trash bag in a wooded area near the Anthony's home.
Casey Anthony was charged with the first degree murder of her daughter Caylee on October 2008.
The trial lasted six weeks.
The prosecution asked for the death penalty and alleged Casey wanted to free herself from being a parent and murdered her daughter by giving her daughter chloroform and putting duct tape over her mouth.
The defense team, led by Jose Baez, argued that Caylee had drowned accidentally in the family's swimming pool on June 16, 2008, and that George Anthony had gotten rid of and in fact, hid the body. The defense stated that Casey lied about this and other important details due to a dysfunctional upbringing, and alluded to sexual abuse by her father. The defense showed no evidence as to how Caylee died or evidence that Casey was sexually abused as a child but called out every single piece of the prosecution's evidence, calling it "fantasy forensics".
Casey did not testify. On July 5, 2011, Casey was found not guilty of the first-degree murder of her daughter, Caylee, aggravated child abuse, and aggravated manslaughter of a child, but was found guilty of four misdemeanor counts of providing false information to a law enforcement officer. With credit for time served, she was released on July 17, 2011.
A Florida appeals court overturned two of the misdemeanor convictions on January 25, 2013.
The public was incensed and outraged and Casey Anthony became known as 'The Most Hated Mother in America.'

So what has happened in the ensuing years that has made this story all the more tragic, if that is even possible?
George and Cindy Anthony's home has been in foreclosure for the last few years and they may possibly lose their home.
Every single penny they had was spent on their daughter, Casey's defense.
George contends he never wants to hear or see from his daughter again although Cindy talks with Casey infrequently as does Casey's brother.
And Casey herself? Now thirty-two, Casey says she has has no problems sleeping at night and is still making accusations about her father, some very recently to which her father has said hurts him even more deeply than he has been.

She lives in Florida with the private investigator, Patrick McKenna who worked on her case, helps him with his current cases by social media and other types of investigative work and is trying to live a normal life. She has also had two civil suits brought against her.
Although the press no longer hounds her as they used to, the public remains outraged whenever her name is brought up in any fashion and it is very doubtful the heinous crime will ever be forgotten.

Caylee Anthony would be twelve years old today.
May She Rest In Peace.

For more information about this case, go to...https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Caylee_Anthony

Until Next Time,
LizaBella

Saturday, March 28, 2015

What's Up Doc?

Doctors sometimes make mistakes. But most times, they are very right. My family doctor was one of those that had made a mistake. I had cat scan at a local hospital and they had found a large cyst on my right ovary. So on my next Dr's visit, a month or so later, I mentioned it to him, and he didn't seem concerned. I mentioned it on the next visit and the visit after and again, he wasn't concerned. But because I was having extreme lower back pain for the last two months, literally bedridden, he sent me to a Urologist to check for kidney stones. So they did another cat scan and late in the afternoon, the urologist called me. She told me that yes, I did have kidney stones but that was not causing my pain. She told me she could take the kidney stones out, but again, it wasn't going to stop the pain. Her tone was so serious that I had even mentioned it to my oldest son. She advised me to go back to my regular physician for tests and she would send the report. So, I did and my family Dr sat down, looked at the report and referred me to a gynecologist, not really telling me anything. Then he told me he would be gone for two weeks and walked out of the room. I met the woman who would become my gynecologistand I liked her instantly. She did pelvic ultrasound and an MRI. And she explained all to me; the test procedures, why I needed surgery, what would be done during surgery. . I had surgery three days later and the surgery did not go as exactly as planned. Supposedly, the surgery was going to take an hour or two at most. It turned out, it took five hours and as the as the gynecologist explained to me, I had a lot of scar tissue from an emergency appendectomy years ago. And that was a very difficult surgery because all of my organs were encased in it. And she told me that again, the tumor had to come out, it was five centimeters and explained that had I waited much longer, it would have become cancerous. She had taken my ovaries and fallopian tubes as well (we had discussed it before hand and I was fine with it or so I thought). It took me more than a few weeks to recover, both emotionally and physically and I still have hard days sometimes. I am so eternally grateful that this gynecologist treated me. She was honest and forthright but also very kind. She listened and heard your concerns and addressed them. And she saved my life. This is when doctors are right, when they find the answers and heal you.
Love and Light to you all, Ladiofzen

Monday, November 10, 2014

How To Love Someone You Can't Live With

When my partner and I met, it was not under the best of circumstances. She lived in Wisconsin and I lived in Texas. We talked about the problems we'd face since both of us had children. We didn't really know each other, having met online. Even so, we were much alike in certain ways and got along well. I had two grown sons here in Texas and she had a grown daughter and two sons in Wisconsin. Suffice to say we have never lived alone, just the two us. It has always been with someone, either a room mate of a relative. For six months, I lived in Wisconsin with her and then she followed me down to Texas, a place she never dreamed of living. And by the way, She is Scottish, born and bred although she's been here for some thirty years, she still has that thick Scottish brogue. Oh, and my grown sons live with me right now. They moved in a year ago, wanting to move to a place here in Austin they could afford...it still hasn't happened. We loved Austin and planned to make it our home until the problems started. She didn't like living with my sons and rightly so. We weren't living alone, something we had looked forward to when our last room mate left. And then my sons had contacted me...could they stay with us in Austin until they found a place? Three months tops and they would be moving out. Only it didn't happen that way. My sons looked for a place, but every place they considered was too expensive. And so the months went on until it was a year and then over a year passed while they still talked about moving and trying to save money for a place. Meanwhile, things in the house were getting ugly. The stress level was so bad that everyone was feeling it, even the dogs, of which we have three. But my partner and I were feeling it the worst. We began to fight, something we never really done before. For a year, I tried desperately was to keep the peace while my partner got louder and louder and more vocal, more and more upset about the situation. And she began to not only take it out on my sons, she began to take it out on me. There came a time when she had to go visit her daughter in Wisconsin for three weeks. I used that alone time to think, really think about my life in general. I decided the drama and tension had to go, no matter what, for everyone's sake. I also decided if the situation was so terrible for my partner, then it was time for her to find another place to live and she agreed. But when she started looking, she also realized that Austin is quite expensive and couldn't find a place she liked or could afford. Out of desperation, my partner decided to put up a tent outside in the back yard and that is what she did and not a tiny tent either. A large roomy tent with music, fabric draping and rugs and blankets with a futon, the way she wanted it. She took great care to waterproof it and it is a place where she could go and be alone. That is where she sleeps, where she lives for the most part an it has worked, for now. People have made comments, but it is what we need at this time. Will my partner and I stay together, who knows? We do love each other very much and want what is best for one another. That is what is important, after all... Until Next time... love and Light To you all, LadiofZen

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Awakened



About four months ago, I had a mental breakdown.
There were a number of contributing factors;
I was ill and very thin from side effects from medication, I was also in the middle of a break up with my partner of nine months; a breakup my partner did not want, I had just lost my mother from Alzheimer's the previous October and was still in deep grief, both of my sons whom I love dearly were planning on moving away very soon to begin new lives, I was fifty three and looking at my life alone and frightened out of my wits and there was a tremendous amount of stress in the household.

These things did not cause my breakdown but they did contribute to it.
And so I went into a deep dark decline that I believed I would not come out of.
I was so sure of it that I decided on cremation because of cost and checked with an attorney about a will to be drawn up and decided to half my school funds for college between both of my sons for when I was no longer around.
In other words, I was going to commit suicide...

During that time where it was always midnight, I wept at the slightest provocation, which turned out to be constantly. I slept whenever and wherever I could, since my sleep cycle was so off, there would be times where I would not be able to sleep for a straight 48-72 hours, and so I was always exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I walked around in a medicated daze, not knowing what I was doing or saying and not even caring.

I did not want to talk...to anyone, not even to my brothers or sister.
I felt so completely alone in my suffering that I could not imagine anyone conceiving even slightly what I was going through and I was too exhausted to explain.
Not that my siblings tried that hard as we are not a close family and that is putting it mildly.
I received one phone call from my younger brother asking what was going on and when I didn't have the words to answer, he told me to call him back when I could talk.
I didn't call back.

I took it day by day, enduring the most intense emotional pain that I believe I have ever
experienced in my life, so intense that it became almost a physical thing.
I thought I would literally die from it and spent many a day and night in my ex partners arms
sobbing in deep pain and grief.
And I believed that if it didn't kill me, I would kill myself because I could not live through such horrible pain.
I began to give my things away and make necessary decisions and so became very peaceful in my emotional state.
I felt as though a great burden had been lifted.
I could finally breathe again. And I was, for the first time in a very long time, at peace.

Not so for my immediate family who were terrified and worried sick.
I refused to be hospitalized, explaining that I was choosing to handle things differently this time.
My sons were not fooled nor was my ex-partner who wasted no time in calling a 'Family Intervention' to confront me about my illness and how it was affecting the family.
The intervention was a failure as it ended with me sobbing in guilt and hysterical over the pain I was causing my sons. I simply could not see clearly enough to be reasoned with.

My family was at a loss so they simply waited, watched and gently cared for me.

It wasn't until my ex-partner's sister Monica came to stay that I had an awakening that saved me.

Monica is a twenty three year old singer/ songwriter who travels on the road.
Immensely talented, fiercely independent, wise beyond her years; it was she who after I had
given her an armload of my things as a gift, began to talk to me about my decision to end my life.
At the time I did not believe I was hearing her, but I was.

A day or so later, Monica left to go to Austin for a few days with musician friends she had
randomly met in downtown Dallas in a single night, in a town she had never been in.
Before she had left, she and Dylan had invited me to Florida to a 'Rainbow Gathering' for
several days of campfires, camp songs, camaraderie and total acceptance.
I hadn't given her an answer but told her I would think about it.

However, when she got back, I told not only would I go, but that I wanted one more chance to be happy. And that I would get down on my knees for one more chance. And that I would try really hard...to be happy.
And you want to know something amazing? I WAS Happy...
Because I made the 'Conscious Decision To BE Happy'.

Monica and Dylan were so overjoyed that they both jumped up and hugged me at once and my sons
are now reassured that 'Mom' is back on the road to recovery.
But it isn't as simple as it may seem. My recovery also requires a change of psychiatrist, a search for a new therapist and commitment to weekly therapy sessions, constant readjustment on my medication...it takes constant work on my part to STAY Happy because I have a brain disorder
that fights against me. When I start to become overwhelmed, I just think,"That means it's 'Me time'... Time to make 'Me' smile...

It Is All Worth It ... Because Life Really Is Beautiful!

And to my wonderful, amazing and loyal family and Friends; I Love You all Dearly With All Of My Heart. Thank You For Holding My Hand In The Dark. You All Are My Soul And My Heart Beat.

And Monica? You Are Awesome!

Until Next Time My Dear Friends...

Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Barking Dogs

It's been on my mind the last few days to wonder how many of you could save your dog from a dog attack? Could you save yourself? Case in point; The other day my partner and I took our dogs (a lab and small mix breed) on their daily walk around the block. Half way around the block we heard commotion that sounded suspiciously like a dog fight. I told my partner to stay back since our lab Paddy tends to be a bit excitable and went forward several steps with Ripley to see what I could see. What I saw was a very large dog with the stance of a German shepherd and the coat of a Chow, aggressively fighting with two small dogs through a chain link fence while their owners struggled with leashes to pull them away. When they finally got them loose, I mistakenly thought it was safe and motioned for my partner to come forward with Paddy. As soon as she did, the dog behind the fence charged us. Now this dog was in a yard that is not normally inhabited with a gate that always open, thankfully that day the gate was locked. Suffice to say, we turned around quietly and went the other way. But as we walked our dogs back home, I was more than struck by the fact that the situation could have become very serious very very quickly. Had that gate been open...I had brought no mace, no walking stick no weapon at all which was not very smart. In 2007, Texas led the nation with seven dog bite fatalities. I have friends whose dog was attacked right on her front lawn and required extensive surgery and it can happen when you or your dog least expects it. So be smart; follow some easy safety rules by James Roberts and Mark Lawrence. The greatest fighters in the world are the ones that prepare themselves for battle the best. Thus, if you want to live through a dog attack, it would be beneficial to be prepared. In other words, have some things on you that could be beneficial in a dogfight. Bear Pepper spray - It's never a bad idea to have pepper spray designed to make something trying to hurt you think twice. Look specifically for "bear pepper spray", which is powerful enough to deter grizzly bears. One thing to consider though, is this: Having pepper spray by itself doesn't mean you're safe from a dog attack (you'll read why in a moment). Further, sometimes it's best that you don't use any kind of spray with an angry dog. By the same token, it could end up helping. So why not at least have it on you? Sticks and stones may break his bones, but. . . well, who cares about names? Here's the thing: A good stick is worth a world of good. Why? Well they can be used in a variety of ways from hitting a dog on the nose, to more aggressive stances if that doesn't work. George Donahue at FightingArts.com even spoke of having a drumstick (real drums, not a turkey). In short, anything thin enough to get down a dog's throat and hard enough not to break. If it can be concealed, that may be even better (depending on the situation). Also remember that preparation means more than weapons. Thus, you should always be highly aware when traveling outside. Beyond that, know where the more aggressive dogs are along the routes you're traveling and don't be afraid to call that neighbor and tell them to leash their dog. In a time of collapse of course or even a "post-apocalypse" scenario, your neighbor may be dead, his dogs staying near their home, but attacking anything that passes by within eye sight or hearing range. Remember, dogs have better hearing than humans. How to Avoid a Dog Attack Okay, let's say you are prepared and then that dog comes running out of someone's yard angrily at you. DO NOT PULL THE PEPPER SPRAY OUT AND IMMEDIATELY SPRAY THEM! The reasoning for this is simple. Sometimes, pepper spray will only serve to make an attacking dog more angry. Thus, it's a last resort. First, you should try to avoid the confrontation. And that means. . . Do not appear threatening to the canine - Stare downs happen before boxing matches and MMA fights for a reason. Both competitors are obviously trying to intimidate one another. They want to let the other know that they're ready for the confrontation. Which is why you don't want to stare a dog in the eyes. That's threatening to a canine, and threatening is the last thing you want to be. Along with that, stay calm. If you don't, the dog will either think you want a fight or are scared, both of which can be detrimental. Beyond that, here are a list of considerations that could keep a dog attack from occurring once you've happened upon an aggressive dog. 1. You might try commanding the dog to "sit," or "stay." This could give you time to think or even get away. 2. Do not make any sudden movements. Rather, keep your hands down at your sides. This may serve to calm the dog down and show them that you are not a threat. 3. Do not turn your back on the dog. Canines often take that as a sign of weakness or an opening to attack. 4. Further, do not run away. That will probably only cause the dog to come after you. Dogs have a prey-drive. Attack dogs can have a very strong prey-drive. 4. Don't smile. Bared teeth may signify aggression to a dog. 5. Back away slowly once the dog stops paying attention to you. Oftentimes, utilizing the aforementioned in such a way will keep a dog from attacking. However, if this doesn't stop the impending attack, then there are further things to consider. When All Hell Breaks Loose: Steps to Take Against an Attacking Dog 1. Put something between your body and the dog's teeth if you can. This could be a stick or something that separates the two of you. Of course, it could be a jacket wrapped around your arm, etc. Remember, that if you give it an arm then you have another plus both your legs free. Along with this, you don't want to end up on the ground with a dog. 2. If you understand Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, then you know that oftentimes attempting to simply pull your arm out of an armbar only serves to allow the hold to come together more easily. Along with this, pulling your arm from a biting dog will only help them to rip it to pieces. Thus, this is a bad idea. 3. By the way, this is the time to try that pepper spray to the dog's eyes (once the attack has commenced). If that works, great! AT this point, the pepper spray can have the best chances of working. The reason is this: If an attack dog is charging you, and you pull out your spray and fire it at the dog, the dog can be moving so fast it charges right through it, fighting now with it's mouth and teeth, continuing to bite even if some spray does get into it's eyes. So, rather than spray as it's charging, you want to spray once you've brought the dog to a halt so that it can absorb the full brunt of the spray. 4. This is also the time that you might want to try that stick you brought. However, your best bet may not be to simply hit an attacking canine with it (though you could try that). Rather, attempt to shove it down the dog's throat. This may cause the canine to choke and give you back your arm. If a stick isn't available, you might even consider shoving the arm the dog has down its throat depending on your situation as it could possibly have the same effect. 5. If none of the above work, then you're running out of options beyond trying to truly beat the dog at its own game (in other words, no pun intended, you're about to embark in a dogfight). Along with this, strikes to the eyes -- it's time to get mean -- or the throat may be in order. 6. If that doesn't work, you could even try grabbing one of the dog's hind legs, according to George Donahue at FightingArts.com, and ripping up (thus putting the dog on its back in a submissive position). This could allow you to drag it. Remember, though, that such a movement may put you at risk for ending up on the ground (a bad thing as it leaves your neck and other vital areas open to the dog). So proceed with care. 7. Of course, this is all assuming that you don't have a gun on you. Still, you would only use such weaponry as a last resort (even if one of these SecretsofSurvival.com scenarios did play out). Remember that most dogs act angrily only when they feel that you are threatening them or their family. Thus, the above steps could very well work before resorting to such tactics. But that doesn't necessarily mean they will. In the end, dog attacks can be vicious and bloody. In fact, they can be deadly. Along with this, being prepared can mean the difference between life and death. As with any survival scenario, you should choose life and be ready. Other Weapons to Consider in a Dog Attack Pitchfork - A pitchfork is dangerous to attacking dogs. They have been used successfully to kill attacking dogs (including pit bulls) in the past by farmers and families alike. Pitchforks are designed for bailing hay. But the multiple sharpened spear points are a dangerous weapon against attacking dogs. Baseball bat - A baseball bat, especially an aluminum bat, is a great weapon against an attacking dog -- you just have to have the eye-hand coordination to swing and connect as it's rushing at you with it's teeth bared. Sometimes standing in front of a dangerous dog with a bat or club raised high can be enough to make it leave you alone (if the dog has previously learned to fear a club or threatening arm). Most dogs may turn tail after taking a baseball bat to the head or shoulders. But, in the case of a very angry, large, dangerous dog, one swing may only stun it temporarily. Be ready to swing again, hard and furiously. Use footwork to step back and then step laterally and step forward again after each swing hits. That way you're never in the same place and by using footwork (from boxing, martial, etc) you make it a bit harder for the dog to find anything to bite into, after it's been hit; hit the dog again and again until it finally flees or is out for the count. Survival knife - If you're traveling through an area following a catastrophic disaster, realize that dangerous dogs may be loose -- especially in a "post-apocalypse" scenario. If you don't have any barbed-wire to wrap your foream in, wrap it in some kind of heavy cloth (like a coat) and keep a survival knife ready and in your hand, blade unsheathed. If a dangerous dog attacks, give it your forearm; as it sinks it's teeth in, stab repeatedly and viciously with your other arm just under it's front leg, or above the top of it's shoulder, through it's shoulder-blades and into it's organs. This dog doesn't have a chance; keep stabbing and don't let go of the knife. Taken to the Ground by an Attack Dog Ok, so the worst case scenario has happened, and a dangerous dog has taken you to the ground. Your first instinct should be to protect your throat and back of your neck by covering your head in your hands. With your head covered in your hands, roll your entire body fast (rolling on the ground is an easy movement for people -- throw yourself to the ground and try it sometime), at the same time rolling a forearm toward it's mouth. If a dog is going to bite anything, let it bite your forearm -- that is better than a dog biting your throat or face. Once it has an arm in it's mouth, time to think fast. With your other arm, grab it's face, find an eye socket, and bury your thumb furiously into the dog's eye; destroy the eyeball; pop that thing, as disgusting as it might sound. But attacking the eyeball can cause this dog to finally let up. If it doesn't let up, you have two more body parts to go for: A) The other eyeball. B) The carotid arteries in the neck. You'll need both hands to go for the carotid arteries; which an opportunity may present itself if the dog attacks a leg or you've ended up on top of the dog while rolling around. Clap both hands around it's neck and squeeze; reports say you can quickly choke a dog to death by cutting off the blood flow to the brain. Careful though; if you let it up too soon it may only be stunned momentarily and may suddenly resume the attack. A Pack of Dogs Against a pack of dogs you've got your work cut out for you. In some communities following a catastrophic disaster, after several weeks dogs may begin to band together and form packs. As food becomes scarce and days go by without eating, tempers can increase and pack mentality can make these dogs a lot more dangerous than they were before the disaster. If you're attacked by a pack of dogs, even as few as three dogs, you're going to have a hard time making it out of this attack without injury. With just a knife you might stab the first dog, but not before the other two sink their teeth into you and begin biting and tearing. As unlikely a scenario as this may seem for people, in a time of collapse it would be smart to travel with multiple people, each armed with a weapon for self-defense. There will be packs of dogs in several areas and you may come across a pack of dogs more than once. Defending Against A Pack of Dogs You might want to have a strategy, where you take a position you can defend against wild dogs anytime you come to a new area. Look for parked cars and trucks -- you can fight from the back of pick-up trucks and most dogs won't be able to get to you. You may also be able to climb on to the hood of a car and swing or shoot (such as a bow and arrow) your weapon from there. Once in a new area, use noise to entice a pack of dogs to your location. The same methods that work for hunting wolves in Canada and even parts of the U.S. will probably have a good effect on dog packs also. Dogs themselves are actually not far removed from wolves, genetically. Remember they can breed together; they're the same species. The same dynamics that take place in wolf packs will take place in dog packs also; they can likely be hunted using the same tactics that wolves can be hunted. Wolves are territorial and also curious animals. A good wolf-howl can cause other wolves to howl or bark in return. Use a good wolf-howl to draw in a pack of dogs. Wolves are also drawn to young or dying animals -- these are typically an easy meal for a wolf. Wolves can be hunted using "predator calls" (a device) that makes a sound to mimic the sound of a specific animal, such as a field mouse, rabbit, or elk. You can carry a "predator call" in your backpack or you can simply practice making animal sounds by studying the sounds of wildlife and then doing your best to mimic them. Use these calls to draw in a pack of dogs. Drawing in a Dog Pack to a Position You Can Fight From What you want to do is catch the attention of dangerous dogs and draw them to an area where you can fight from -- such as the back of a parked pick-up truck or even a porch in the front or back of a person's house, one that you've blocked off with boards, for example -- one that allows you a position to fight from without a dog actually getting to you. Shark Cage Picture a gorilla cage with bars. Or a shark cage that an underwater diver might film from. If you can build a makeshift "cage" and then draw a pack of dogs (or even wolves, if you're in the mountains, or coyotes), you'll have a safe place to fight from, where canine teeth can't get to you. What do you build this cage out of? Anything tall, straight, and solid that you can scavenge. It could be planks from a fence or deck, for example. Knock apart the deck or fence with a hammer, until you have plent of wood to work with; dig holes in the ground, and position them in a circle (creating a "cage"); finally, use braces at the top and rope to fasten the "cage" together at the top; this way it doesn't press apart if dogs lunge at it or try to get through. Keep enough space between planks that you can see through and thrust your weapon through, but close enough together that a dog can't get it's head through. You can inflict injury on a pack of dogs from where you are protected within the cage you've put together. Chain Link Fence to Defend Against Dogs You can also do this with a chain link fence; though if you choose to use a chain link fence you'll need to use a weapon such as a spear with a sharpened point that is narrow enough to thrust through holes in the chain link; a pitchfork can work also, though it won't have the same reach as a spear. In a time of collapse, it might be smart to collect chain link fencing (just cut it down off existing fence in commercial areas) and surround your living area with it. Shot Gun If you have the means and the ammo, a shot gun is a great weapon to use against a pack of dogs or even wolves. Be able to reload quickly, just in case these dogs or wolves are a bit too eager, perhaps more hungry and less daunted by gun shots than usual. Take Down the Alpha When it comes to a pack of dogs, just like wolves, try to spot the alpha male and even an alpha female -- a pack of dogs can be a lot like a pack of wolves. The alpha male may be the most dangerous and vicious of the pack. Aim for him first. The reason he's the alpha is that he's the toughest and most vicious of the pack. Wounding or killing him first just might send a message. Intimidating a Dangerous Dog or Wolf When you have no other choice, you can try to intimidate a dog or pack of dogs or even a pack of wolves (this also works with mountain lions; don't try it though with African lions). Yell and scream with rage in your voice at the dog louder than you've ever yelled or screamed before; shout with violence in your voice; roar (yeah, I said "roar"). Stand up tall and waive your arms threateningly; throw rocks, act dangerous and unstable. Continue to yell. Scare the pants off this dog. Dogs and wolves can be scared off. This is a method that has worked for people in the past. I have to admit though -- though this might work just fine today on your next bike ride or jog through a rural area on a loose dog you come across, there's a good chance it may not work during a time of collapse or even a "post-apocalypse" scenario when multiple dangers are likely to be in the land. Dogs and wolves may simply be unphased by intimidation tactics, should that day come. Pit Bulls May Be More Dangerous Than Wolves Be wary of using intimidation tactics on pit bulls. You probably shouldn't even try. This is one breed that may be more aggresive than even wolves and your aggresion is only going to trigger more aggresion in a pit bull. Why? Several generations of pit bulls have been bred for aggression, which may include the pit bulls that have just spotted you. Wolves in the wild, on the other hand, aren't bred for aggression, though they can be extremely aggresive by nature. A pit bull is like your crazy Uncle Larry: Pit bulls are sometimes "not right" in the head. They don't make good guard dogs for a camp simply because they pose a risk of attacking people who belong to the camp -- especially children. While a wolf in the wild might take more predictacle actions, a pit bull is just too unpredictable. You better have a Plan-B for dealing with pit bulls. Don't count on trying to intimidate any pit bulls you encounter. Pit Bulls Are the Most Dangerous Dogs The unfortunate thing about pit bulls also is this: Not only are they the most dangerous dog with by far the most maimings and killings than any other canine in the U.S. (including wolves), there are also a high number of pit bulls. Most likely someone in your community owns one; some communities have more than one pit bull owner, owning more than one pit bull. Some are probably great pets, though may still be dangerous to others, especially if they get loose following a collapse or widespread disaster. Hope for the best -- but be prepared for the worst. Getting caught unprepared by a pack of vicious dogs is probably one of the most painful ways to die. Unfortunately, it's likely to happen to people in multiple communities should society as we know it fall to the ground. Update: What's the best weapon for a bicyclist to use on a dangerous dog? Police stun baton A reader commented on this article (see "Comments" section below): "I recently started bicycle riding and went on a 35 mile ride last weekend and I ended up on a road called Indian School road just east of Scottsdale, AZ. This is rural Indian land and went past one house and one huge dog started racing towards me, then to my horror I saw about 8 or 9 other equally large dogs (not sure of breeds, but mastiffs, dobermans, rottweilers, etc) also racing towards me - I pedaled like crazy and they caught up with me, snarling, snapping away at my feet, it seemed like forever, but maybe they were at me for 0.25 to 0.5 miles and eventually they dropped back. Scariest moment of my life. I really believe I would have been mauled to death if I came off. I won't go on any land like this again, but a question, what kind of gun should I get that would be effective here and also practical on a bike?" Response: I had to do a bit of research to find something that is likely to do the job you need it to do (mace, pepper spray, ultrasonic noise devices are just likely to fail you in a situation like this). You could carry a shot gun, but can you get to it in time before a pack of dangerous dogs gets to you? Not likely. Weeks could go by, you'll be complacent, it might be in your backpack. I checked out a forum by triathletes (runners, bicyclists, etc) and after all my reading today, have to say that one product that's recommended (and proven) is a stun baton. All things considered, this is possibly the most effective self defense product that a bicyclist can use in a hurry, on a pack of dangerous dogs that's giving chase. REFERENCES: First Class Dog Training: Free 20 Minute Video on Preventing Dog Attacks George Donahue: Dealing with Dog Attacks How to Handle a Dog Attack As you're pedaling and the first dog comes up on your legs, point the baton down and press the stun button. You've got a three foot buffer between you and the dog. The voltage in one of these is going to paralyze the first dog; if that doesn't scare off the rest of the pack, use it on dog # 2 as he gets close to your pedals. The only trick to using this device is that you need to make sure this thing is charged (has electricity stored inside). You can mount it to your handlebars so that you can get to it easily as you're riding, or strap it to your back. Practice pulling it and using it as you're riding. Please be safe and Careful out there, Love and Light To All LadiofZen

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Ripley and Me

I adopted Ripley when she was seven months old from a couple who obviously wanted to be rid of her. It wasn't long before I realized why. She was pregnant. While I certainly didn't want a batch of puppies, I couldn't get rid of her either. She has obviously been abused and my heart connected with hers in a very strong way. Ripley was not a pretty puppy when I got her; scruffy and too thin, her coat dull and wiry, she desperately needed someone to love and care for her and that someone was me. I haven't been sorry for even one single moment. She became, without any effort at all, the most loving and intelligent dog I have ever owned and my best friend. She became my shadow and constant companion with the most empathic abilities. Through lovers that came and went, heartache and tragedy, and certainly my best times, she was there by my side. In a winter where my heat had gone off and I lay shivering from the cold, Ripley lay beside me, sharing her warmth. When I was ill for nine months and bedridden, she never left my side. And times when I was beset with grief, tears falling from my eyes, she licked the tears away and offered me her comfort. Suffice to say she is my friend and I am hers. Simply put, we love and understand one another. I am grateful for that day she came to live with me and I wonder sometimes how I would have got along without her. I don't want to think about it but when the day comes when she is old and past her prime, I will take car of her as she has taken care of me. With love and understanding and I'll be there at her side to the end. Until Next Time Dear Friends... Love and Light To All, LadiofZen

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Using The Powers Of Your Thoughts

Recently I moved from Madison Wi to Austin Tx and began recreating my life. In doing so, I neglected one major tool for manifesting my desires which was and is the power of thought. I had known this for too many years to count but in the first days in Austin, I had forgotten. Let me explain ... We moved to Austin and sublet-ed the first few months with just the barest essentials in order to find a new abode, leaving just about everything we owned in storage. The first few days in Austin, our VW was not drivable and we had no choice but to sit in the house every day. We knew no one in Austin and had no friends or acquaintances which made it lonely at times. It didn't take long before utter and complete boredom set in despite our best efforts to keep ourselves entertained. We couldn't do what needed to be done for our car until the 1st of the month and we didn't have much of a choice with the situation. We did however have a choice how we saw our situation and what we did with it and that was something I much needed to remember. I hadn't been very positive in the last month and it showed and reflected in my thoughts and words. I realized I needed to change that and immediately change my environment. Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a change and even when we are not, we forget the power of our thoughts. Thoughts have the power to transform into reality when we really believe in them in a positive way. Someone once told me that if I really wanted something, believe as if I already had it, which is excellent advice. Want to be healthy? Believe you are well... Want to get a new job? Believe you will find just the right one... A new place to live? Believe that you will find the perfect house in just the right neighborhood... You get the idea but it shows that our mind is a powerful tool for manifesting your desires. If you are open, positive and believe in the Universe's gifts to you, you will get what you want and what you need. Try it and see ... "One of the best kept secrets is the power of thought. You create that which you think. Thinking of someone or something actually creates a thought that is sent out into the atmosphere. That is the secret. Thoughts are matter..." ~Mary Dean Atwood from the book Spirit Healing Until Next time, My Dear Friends... Love and Light To You All, LadiofZen

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Embracing...

As usual, here's a question for you. When faced with a new challege or experience, are you filled with excitemeent and anticipation or dread and fear? Embracing new experiences is oh so healthy and beneficial for your mind, body and soul. Is it easy? Depends on who you are speaking with but everyone has the abilty to view the changes that come to their life with acceptance and growth. It's all in how you perceive it. Classic case in point; I recently moved over a 1000 miles, driving the whole way in a volkswagon with three large dogs in tow. Was it easy? Yes and No, yes because I was moving to be with the love of my life and no, it was not easy. I could have been filled with anxiety about leaving Texas, which is where I have lived all my life, I wasn't. I could have worried about leaving my two grown sons, I didn't. And I might have been flooded with nervousness about traveling such a distance, didn't happen. Being who I am, it might have been an impossible journey as this is a major life change for me but I chose to embrace every moment of it. It is how I have chosen to live my life. I spent the time on the road seeing a different side to my lover, talking over a million different topics and loving every minute of it. I drank in the changes of scenery with relish. And we laughed...a lot. And I am still embracing the changes that have come recently. I love Wisconsin, my new life and of course my love, who encourages and inspires me every day. But it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had the courage to reach for the new experiences that were coming my way. Every single one of us have that opportunity to view life's challenges and experiences with the joy and wonder of a child. It's a concious choice and one that will give you untold joy. Being fearful of what life throws at you serves no purpose because as the saying goes, 'nothing changes but the changes' and life is nothing if not change. Even the most challenging experiences have the grace to help you grow as an individual, develop coping skills and teach you what you really want in your life, if you have the courage to be open and fearless. Next time a new experience comes your way, embrace it and try to view it as the gift it is. Because it is indeed a gift. It's all in how you look at it... Until next time, My Dear Friends, Ladiofzen

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Bath Of Love




As I sit here alone, I can't help but smile when I think of my lover.
She has gone to the hospital to be with her daughter, who is awaiting the birth of her second child.

And even though I so appreciate the opportunity for alone time, I miss her presense profoundly. She has, in such a short time, become very much a part of me.

We met online, she and I, as so many people nowadays do.
She appreciated my writing and I admired her photography and now here we are together, living in Wisconsin, a place I never, believe me, never in my dreams, did I imagine being and I find I am loving it. I'm from Texas and have lived there all of my life. She is from Scotland and comes complete with the most endearing brogue.

I have been in love before, as so many of us have, but this feeling of 'luxurious
love' is new to me. I find that I have totally surrendered to these emotions and feelings that wash over me at times. I relish watching the nuances of my lover's face, the way she moves, her lips speaking my name.

This...is love in it's truest form and purest sense. There are no expectations other than we love one another. No promises of forever and I so adore the freedom of it.
It is simply appreciation, gratitude, respect and passion that keeps us
forever entertwined with one another, physically and emotionally.

I am forever grateful that I have come to this place in my life and that I am able to so freely experience the beauty of this love and this unbelieveable woman who stirs my heart so.

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
~Fenderx Morrie Schwartz

Until Next Time My Dear Friends...

Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Who Your Children Really Belong To ...




If you are a parent, what you are about to read may seem a bit 'out there' but if you've read some of my writing before, you know that I see things a bit differently.
I was thinking last night what amazing and beautiful creatures children are and as I began to think in more depth, I decided that I wanted to put down in writing what I was thinking, so here goes.

From the moment that a infant takes it's first breath outside the womb, he or she is an individual person. Yes, you created this child but he or she does not belong to you and you do not own this child.
Children own themselves, period.
As a parent you are responsible for caring, nourishing, protecting, cherishing and loving your child.

And let me say that if you had a child to keep from being alone or because you wanted something that was 'yours', then you had a child for the wrong reason.

Having children out of love, is a selfless act, not a selfish one.

For infants, their world consists only of their mother. Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of all children. But by the age of two, they begin to differentiate between the world of 'Mother' and the outside world. They begin to realize that they are indeed separate from their mother and are individuals, with feelings and needs that belong only to them. They become independent and rush to explore this brand new, exciting world and if nurtured in the selfless way, will have no fear and only shine more brilliantly and that is how it should be.

Yes, I know you may be anxious and protective of your child as most mothers are.
But its important that you let your child be the individual that he or she is and not the person you believe they should be.
Your child is not here on this earth to fulfill your expectations.
They are here to fulfill theirs.

Let your child do that...
Nourish, guide, protect and love your children but just as importantly, encourage
their independence and their strong self of self.

And then, sit back and watch your child become the brilliant, amazing and beautiful person he or she was meant to be.

Until next time My Dear Friends...

Light and Love To You All,
LadiofZen

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Pausing To Give Love A Chance...




I am someone who adores being in Love.
I breathe it in, soak it up, drink it down and it is expressed in my writing.
So I am so happy to be in Love again. This person is so like me that it is astounding.
We believe in the same things, support the same issues, and are both creative; she an artist and myself a writer.
But last night I became filled with a bit of anxiety.
Why, you ask?
Because even though we have spoke on the phone and chatted on messager extensively, we have not met in person. And because I had planned to move to Wisconsin to be with her. I realized last night that isn't a good choice for me and that I was being impulsive.
Impulsiveness is something I struggle with and though I may want to throw caution to the wind, I realized right now was not a good time to relocate, be away from my support system or my sons.
I had thrown caution to the wind many times and have lived to regret it.
Now instead of not thinking about what was bothering me, I chose instead to bring my concerns to my partner's attention.
I was very grateful to my angels and spirit guides that I did.
After speaking with each other, we agreed that I would stay here and secure my own place as I am living with a friend right now.
That instantly made me feel at ease.
If our Love is true, then there is no need to rush into it. We can pause, relax and drink it in as it happens.
If it was meant to Be...it will Be.
There simply is no need to force Love to come into your orbit, because more than likely it will not stay.
Love is meant to happen as it happens and not because you simply want it to.
More than likely, if a Love has to be forced, it is not real Love.
And ignoring your inner voice is a recipe for disaster, not fair to your partner or to yourself.
So the next time you fall in Love, instead of rushing in, pause for moment to just savor the feeling of connection with another person. Try not to have expectations and just enjoy the process of getting to know this new person in your life. The process of Love can be a slow, sensual dance between the two of you and one to be appreciated, like a very fine wine.

"In real love you want the other person's good.
In romantic Love, you want the other person."
~ Margaret Anderson

Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen

Monday, September 13, 2010

I'm Going Home



On the day I went away... goodbye...
Was all I had to say... now I...
I want to come again and stay... Oh my my...
Smile, and that will mean that I may

Cause I've seen blue skies, through the tears
In my eyes
And I realize.. I'm going home.

Everywhere it's been the same... feeling...
Like I'm outside in the rain... wheeling...
Free, to try and find a game... dealing...
Cards for sorrow, cards for pain

Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears
In my eyes
And I realize.. I'm going home.

I'm going home, I'm going home.

~ Recorded by Tim Curry from The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Dedicated to Gary Marq Baugh, with Love.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Happy



Should be happy to be loved
Happy to be
Unburdened by the thought
I could still be lonely
I think you’re the one
Everyone agrees
But some can see the face of love
And turn away in disbelief

Every time we get close
I just run
And the wind on my face
Last rays of the sun
Shine on my skin
My heart slow me down
Is all that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel

Should be happy to be loved
Happy to be
With someone who knows
And understands me
I think you’re the one
Everyone agrees
But some can touch the hand of love
And pull away in disbelief

Every time we get close
I just run
And the wind on my face
Last rays of the sun
Shine on my skin
My heart slow me down
Is all that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel

Should be happy to be loved
Happy to be
Possessed by nothing but
A heart that’s chosen freely
I think you’re the one
Everyone agrees
But some can feel the grace of love
And walk away in disbelief

Every time we get close
I just run
And the wind on my face
Last rays of the sun
Shine on my skin
My heart slow me down
Is all that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel

All that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel
All that I can feel

Should be happy to be loved
Happy to be

Should be happy to be loved
Happy to be


'Happy' by Tracy Chapman

Friday, July 9, 2010

Learning The Art Of Being Still






Too often as we race about our day of work and taking care of the family, we forget what peace there is in silence. We become so used to everyday noise and constant motion that we become almost immune to it.
It becomes a part of our day and routine.
When was the last time you simply sat and were quiet and still?
Yes, I know...
"Who has the time for that?" you'd say.
But it is important to make time for not only does it give you immeasurable health benefits, being still also allows you to connect and hear not only your inner voice, but also the voices of your angels and spirit guides.

Meditation is a good way to start.

If you don't have time for meditation, try something simpler like sitting quiet for five minutes. I know, if you are used to running from project to project, solving problem after problem, sitting still for five minutes may seem like an impossible task.

But you can do it...

Simply find a place that is quiet and where you won't be interrupted, turn off the radio and TV and sit and be still. Make a ceremony of it, light some incense, burn some white candles (white candles are pure white light and draw the angels and spirit guides as well as loved ones who are no longer with us nearer to you) and make it a time simply for you.

Start with five minutes, if you don't make it, fine. Try for five minutes next time.
But keep trying. Once you've managed the art of being still, try to meditate and if you find that you can't stop your mind from wandering, then let it wander, for in the wandering come answers if we only pay attention. For some, a guided meditation tape may be helpful. If you are troubled by a problem or concern, pray to your angels for an answer. You may not get an answer right away but you will get one, if you just listen.

Be still, be quiet and listen...You'll be amazed at what answers will come.
Until Next time, My Dear Friends...


Love and Light to You All,
LizaBella

Friday, June 25, 2010

Thank You For The Magic







Whether you loved him or hated him, Michael Jackson was a dazzling force to be reckoned with on stage. Immensely gifted and talented, he entertained the world with his amazing dance moves and his music. We all know of his start in show business with his older brothers, 'The Jackson 5'. We know about the cartoons, merchandise and sold out concerts. We know about the plastic surgeries and the pet chimp 'Bubbles'. In fact, it seemed we knew everything about Michael...through the tabloids. Story upon story upon story...each becoming more and more bizarre.
Most of all, we knew his music...

But did we know the man?

When he died last year, I began to read about Michael Jackson; the man, the legend and the father and what I found out not only surprised me, but made me all the sadder because I had never gotten the chance to know him; as a friend and as a human being. And yes, I , like most others, judged him because of his appearance and his often bizarre behavior. I'm more than ashamed I did...

Of course, it's impossible to talk of Michael without bringing up the child molestation charges. When it first happened, because of who I am (an abuse survivor), I believed the media. But those who knew and loved Michael the best, his friends, family and his fans staunchly stood by his side in his defense.
I don't believe it now and as Michael once said in an interview, "I would rather cut off my arm than hurt a child." And knowing how Michael loved children,
I think that is true. Why? Because Michael was a child himself and he spoke their language. He was indeed a grown up 'Peter Pan'. He knew how to relate to children and he had unending compassion and empathy for those who were sick or ill.

But the accusations and humiliation that he suffered publicly before, during and after the final trial, in which he was found not guilty, was the blow that seemed to knock Michael to his knees and it seemed that he was never able to recover from it. Even then, his fans rallied behind him, in demonstrations in front of the courthouse to show their support. He became a different Michael then, a Michael who worried constantly about his children's safety and whose drug use escalated to the point where even those closest to him were worried. It is said that some time before his death, two members of his family attempted a intervention and it was discussed, but went no further.

I once watched a concert where he stopped everything so that a tech could take a bug off the stage so it wouldn't be crushed. And as the tech scooped up the bug and began walking away with it, Micheal's words could be heard ringing out, "Don't kill it...please don't kill it."

One of the things that hurt the most in regards to the media was
was all the propaganda regarding 'his love of children', making it seem dirty and perverted. That blow must have hurt Michael most of all. After it was all over, Michael vowed that NeverLand, the home that he had built for himself and was a virtual fairground for sick children, would never be home to him again and he moved his children to Paris.
Later he would move back to the states but he said often that it didn't feel like home because the house was so exposed and that he didn't feel safe.


That Michael was, most times, a sad and lonely person was a given. He had been lonely most of his life, which led him to be very shy and soft spoken in public. When he had his children, I believe that they were the force that kept him going, day after day as he went into a decline that would be impossible to pull out of.
I believed that he loved and adored his children and they, in turn, loved and adored him, because to them, he was simply 'Daddy'. Those closest to Michael say that he was an awesome father and an excellent dad. He took great care to shield, as any father would who was concerned for their child's safety, his children from media as much as he could.

It's impossible to know when Michael began to use sedatives to help him sleep.
Some have said that he used them for years (right after the album 'Thriller' was released) as well as other drugs to combat chronic insomnia as well as pain.
The end result, the unbearably tragic one is that because of too many doctors, too many medications and too many 'Yes' people, Michael Jackson's 'This Is It' comeback tour would not be seen until after his death and then only rehearsal clips.
Michael died of a sudden cardiac arrest due to an overdose of multiple medications, including one used for sedation during surgery. Charges against his doctor are pending.

His gifts amazed even the most seasoned of singers, dancers and actors and he befriended many, many of them.

After two failed marriages, it seemed Michael devoted his time to not only his children, but other children around the world who needed him, giving his name, time and money for children charities.

In the last years of his life, Michael seemed even more at loss with the world and
and with himself. The pain of his childhood, which he spoke of often, seemed to have a tighter hold on him and his drug use increased.

I'm very sad Michael is gone. He was man who was so child-like, at times he seemed like a child, instead of 'The King Of Pop'. Just a big kid who wanted to have fun, to laugh and maybe play like the kid that he was...the way he said he was never able to play as a child.

Good Bye Micheal...I wish I had known you. I'm sorry for the pain and loneliness you felt during this lifetime, but I thank you for the beautiful gifts you gave the world. I wish someone...just one person would have said 'No' to you and maybe you would be here today.

You will be greatly missed and never forgotten...

Now My Friend, you can really fly...

Until Next Time, My Dear Friends,
LadiofZen

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Seeing the Faces of the Mentally Ill




The picture above of me isn't a pretty one but it is a true one. Snapped by my partner at a time when I was struggling with depression, it shows me looking my worst; without sleep and exhausted and looking back into a painful past. A hopeless exercise but one that those of us who struggle with mental illness will relate to.
I don't have one mental illness...I have several. And I am still standing...despite myself and my mental disorders.

How do you view the mentally ill? What do you think to yourself when you see 'a crazy person' on the street? Is it funny or curious to watch? Or do you think to yourself, as I do, 'But for the Grace of God, go I'?

Almost everyone has someone in their family or even someone they know who has struggled with mental illness. Statistics say that one in four adults over the age of eighteen or 25% of individuals will suffer a debilitating mental illness in their lifetime. Approximately 20.9 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a mood disorder and depressive disorders often co-occur with anxiety disorders and substance abuse.

Which brings me to Stephen. I first met Stephen when he was 16 after being brought home by my son Josh, as they went to high school together. Stephen became without any effort at all, 'my other son'. He began to eat meals at our home and became a constant fixture at our house and suffice to say, I love him dearly.

That he was a bit odd was a given. He was also funny, intelligent and very outgoing. And after all, he was a teenager and trying, as my son was, to find himself.
But there came a day when I could no longer ignore the fact the he absolutely refused to eat at home and so I sat him down, face to face and asked him why.
He told me calmly and without a blink of an eye that he thought his parents were trying to poison him. Shocked and upset, I tried to convince him otherwise, but it did no good. He believed what he believed...period. I also spoke with his mother who was aware of the problem but unsure how to deal with it. She told me that since his aunt's death who had resided with them, he had refused to eat anything that he had not bought and opened himself. His mother had also shared that Stephen had been the one to find his aunt deceased on the kitchen floor and that he had been traumatized by it.

That was the beginning...

When Stephen was 17, he went to a concert and to this day, no one, not even my son who is his closest friend, knows what happened because Stephen has never spoken of it, at least not to us. But something did happen and Stephen was forever changed.
He became reclusive to the point that he refused to leave the house at all or stay in contact with any of his friends. The daily visits to our house stopped and my son, Joshuea concerned and worried, tried to help by visiting and talking to find out what had occurred that had caused such a devastating change in his best friend. But Stephen wasn't talking...at least not to Josh.
He was speaking...to the voices in his head. In his early twenties, Stephen was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

The diagnosis was for me and for my son Joshuea, devastating, as I am sure it was a hundred times more so for his parents. He was put on medication which caused massive weight gain and as the years have gone by, his condition has deteriorated because Stephen refuses to take his medication due to the side effects.

The last time I saw Stephen, which was about a year ago, his mother had come to bring him for a visit. As I stood off at a distance speaking with his mother about his condition, which was worsening, I happened to glance up, concerned that he might overhear. As I looked over and my eyes met his, I watched his lips as they silently moved while he whispered to the voices in his head that no one else could hear and I knew that while his body may have been there, his mind was a million miles away.
I went over and hugged him and looking into his eyes, I told him how very much I loved him. I told him to always remember I was there for him and to never forget if he needed me, to call or get in touch with me any way he could.
I hope and I pray he heard me.

After they had gone, I went inside and sat down and wept...for 'my other son', Stephen, who had somehow gotten lost in a foreign land with no means to get back.

Stephen continues to live with his parents and his condition continues to deteriorate.

The next time you see someone who is acting strangely or a bit odd, think twice or better yet, how about thinking thrice? And while you are at it, do your best to really 'see' that person with compassion and empathy.
Please remember that mental illness takes no prisoners. It could be your best friend or it could be a member of your family...or it could be You.

We are all ONE...


Until next time My Dear Friends,

LadiofZen

Monday, May 31, 2010

Learning To Practice Forgiveness...For Yourself



Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.[1] The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.

Sounds pretty clear cut, doesn't it? Someone does you wrong and or you do someone wrong and you just let it go, right? Wrong...
For most of us, true forgiveness requires much effort, especially when we have been hurt in some way and resentment still lingers. We say we have forgiven them and we tell those who have asked that, "Oh yes, I have let that go".
But have you? Really?

Recently, I wrote a letter to someone who I had hurt some years ago. Because all I had an old address, I sent it to the old address in hopes it would be forwarded to her. I wanted to thank her and I wanted her to know how very much I appreciated her during the time we were friends. I had already asked her forgiveness many times as during the time I had been friends with her, I was very ill with bipolar disorder and as a result, my actions hurt her deeply but knowing her as I do, I do believe she forgave me.

The problem was...I hadn't forgiven myself. I still carried great guilt over the hurt I had caused. Yes, I was ill but that doesn't negate my actions and
I couldn't let go of the fact that I had wounded someone I had so cared about.
And I began to try and forgive myself. It wasn't easy and suffice to say that it took a great deal of reorganization of thinking. I had to honestly admit to myself what I had done and then begin to forgive myself for it.

Learning to forgive yourself for past mistakes is healing and healthy. We are all human and not a single one of us is perfect, although some of us may wish we were. Yes, I still make mistakes and because I am human, I always will. Just as you will...

But what I learned from my above mentioned friend, who was wise beyond her years and then some, the most important thing to remember when a mistake is made is to learn from it and if possible, try your best not to repeat it.

And for myself, I have learned the hard way that words hurt. They cut and they bruise and once they are spoken can never, ever be taken back. Yes, you may be forgiven but those words will always linger. So, STOP, THINK and PAUSE before you speak...most especially in anger or hurt. Because in the heat of things, the words you meant to say may come out totally different that you thought they might and irreparable damage could be done to a relationship that may mean a great deal to you.

Oh yes...and the letter to my friend? She never got it.
It was intercepted by one of her friends and I was informed of it.

And that's okay because I didn't expect a response and I didn't want one.
That letter was for her...but it was also for me. It was part of me 'forgiving myself' and closure to a very sad part of my life.
I'd like to think that what I wrote in that letter, she already knew.

And so, today I forgive myself for hurting you, my friend and I forgive you for hurting me.
And while I know you will never see this, its enough.
I did what I needed to do...for me.

Until next time My Dear Friends,

LadiofZen

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Agony of Long Goodbyes




I met my ex-husband Gary and the father of my 17 year old son, in 1989. My ex husband is an alcoholic and has been for over 30 years. And though I knew he drank when we met, the extent of his addiction to alcohol was not clear to me until a short time later. When I did realize it, I attempted to end the relationship. He promised me as he wept that that I was the most important thing in the world to him and he would stop drinking. He didn't.
Several months passed and again I decided to end the relationship and again he swore he would stop drinking. He didn't.
This happened more times than I care to admit here but finally there came a time when I simply could take it no longer and told him I was leaving him and why. He swore, as he had done so many times, that he would stop drinking and furthermore, to show he was serious, he would go into treatment to do it, which he did for thirty days.
He managed to stay sober for four months.

During one of our many arguments regarding his alcoholism, he swore if I gave him a son, he would never touch another drop, that he would never have a reason to because he would have everything he ever wanted; a woman who loved him and the son he had always dreamed of. I did...and so did he.

And later, I was told if I married him which I refused to do and in fact, had put off 3 different times by 'losing' the marriage license, he swore on his son's life that he would be a completely different person as well as a sober one.
He wasn't.

We divorced 8 months after our son was born. As the years passed and Gary's drinking grew worse, he began to fade from his son's life. Visits were few and far between and always colored by Gary's alcoholism. At first my son tried to keep in contact but after years of trying to remain close to his father and having no success, he simply gave up as his father drank on and on.

So it was with a great deal of sadness that I learned from his ex-fiancee last week that my ex husband is dying from throat and lung cancer. It wasn't a surprise as he smokes 3 packs of cigarettes a day as well as drinking everyday to excess but it was news that tightened my chest and brought tears to my eyes.
I had known that since his mother had died in 2003, that Gary's anchor in this life was gone and I had worried that his drinking would become uncontrollable. It did.

For the last several years, my son and I have literally watched as Gary has slowly, surely and with great deliberation, almost succeeded in drinking himself to death. And now after being warned over and over and over again to stop or at least slow down on his smoking, he has been diagnosed with throat and lung cancer.

This morning as I wept for my son, Jeff and for Gary, who always seemed at war with this world, I realized what agony long goodbyes are and that this had been a very long, very sad goodbye from a boy to his father and from a father to his son.

It mattered to me that Jeff might never get to say goodbye to his father in person before his death and it also mattered to me that Gary get the chance to say goodbye to his son. No, Gary would never, ever be the father that Jeff needed or wanted and now that Jeff was almost a man, he was able to accept that. It wasn't so easy for me. I had deep grief over the fact that Gary had chosen alcohol over his son as well as the pain his drinking had caused Jeff and I realized that I had to accept the situation and let go of the grief as well as the hope and dream that Gary would somehow wake up, realize what he had been doing all these many years and become that father my son had always wanted and needed. That was never going to happen and deep in my heart, I had always known. I needed to say goodbye for the last time.

And so, Goodbye Gary, Goodbye My Friend, for even through all the pain and bitterness, we were friends...Thank You for the gift of my son. Thank you for the times you made me laugh. Thank you...for just being You. I don't think you ever heard that before. I'm sorry for the pain you have endured all of your life. I'm sorry that the only way you chose to deal with it was with alcohol. Most of all, I'm so very sorry you missed your son growing up; for Jeff and for you.
I know you tried. He's turned out to be a hell of a man...You would be so very proud.

And to my son? I don't have to say much because my son and I have an unspoken understanding about his father. But I have said, "I'm so very very sorry, my son.
Life is not perfect and neither are people. Your father has an illness called alcoholism and it has affected his choices and so he has not always made the right ones...but he always loved YOU."

Until next time My Dear Friends,

LadiofZen

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Slow Death Of Empathy



Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax, thirty one years of age and homeless probably didn't think that this day was going to be any different than any other day. He would be wrong...

Things began to go bad on that early Sunday morning on April 18th just after 5:30 a.m. on a Queens, N.Y., sidewalk.

On the surveillance camera, a woman is followed by a man who appears to be accosting her. Tale-Yax is seen walking towards the two in concern. What isn't seen is him being stabbed several times in the torso while trying to save the woman.

In seconds, the apparent attacker is caught by the surveillance camera running away. Authorities say the woman fled from her attacker.

Tale-Yax begins to chase the attacker but then collapses on the sidewalk.

A potential good Samaritan walks by and does nothing. So does the next person and the one after that. Over 20 people seem to notice a man hurt and bleeding on the sidewalk and do nothing.

Unbelievably, one man pulls out his cell phone, but instead of dialing 911, he takes a quick picture. Another man nudges Tale-Yax, rolls him over twice, seems to see blood, but then strolls away.

Tale-Yax lay there for nearly an hour and a half until someone called for help and at 7:23am, Firefighters arrived but it was too late for Tale-Yax, who because he saw someone in trouble and wanted to help, lay mortally injured and bleeding on the sidewalk.

Since some say that it is not unusual to see people passed out or sleeping in public in New York, some conclude it was 'just a mistake'. But others say New York isn't the first city where bystanders ignored an injured man.

Sadly, what was seen that April Sunday has been seen time and again.

In January in Seattle, a 15-year-old girl was brutally beaten unconscious and robbed by a group of teenagers while three security guards stood by and and did nothing.

In Hartford, Conn., a 78-year-old man was hit by a car as he crossed a street in 2008. The driver did not stop and 10 vehicles ( yes, you read that right...10 ) drove by as he laid in the middle of the road, bleeding from the head and injured, waiting for help.
And in 2003 in Washington, D.C., a man was shot at a gas station. Instead of calling for help, the witness finished pumping kerosene into a can, paid and drove off.

Teaching our children the importance and value of compassion and empathy is just as, if not more important, than 30 or 40 years ago. Exposing our kids to new and different people and situations through community service and helping them to understand and think critically about the media such as the incident in New York is so very important.

No one who passed Tale-Yax that day had to be a hero. They didn't have to jump into the fight. They didn't have to endanger themselves.
All they had to do...was dial 911.

Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax, when he saw a woman in danger, chose to help and because of his courage and compassion, he died.

R.I.P. Hugo...I'm so very sorry no one helped you that day in April. Thank you for your courage, empathy and compassion.
Rest now, my friend, you did well...

Until next time, My Dear Friends...

Love and Light To All,
LadiofZen

Friday, April 23, 2010

Going For The Buzz ... Is It Really Worth It?






I have a bit of experience with alcohol and alcoholics. Born to parents who were addicted to alcohol as well as prescription drugs, I am no stranger to addiction. My ex-husband died of alcoholism.
Not to mention I am a recovering alcoholic and addict myself. I began drinking as a teenager and continued as an adult until one fateful day in 2000. On a staggeringly hot July day in Texas, I had a grand mal seizure in a swimming pool ... because I was so intoxicated. I was taken to the ER and my family was called and told that I had drowned and would not last the night. I woke five hours later, to everyone's astonishment, apparently none the worse for wear. But the message had been received. I had to stop drinking or end up dead.
I chose to live. And that was the end of my drinking.

I now consider alcohol to be as potentially dangerous and deadly as a lot of street drugs that are being sold and bartered. Alcohol destroys your health, your life and your relationships. The World Health Organization estimated in 2002 that globally 1.8 million people's deaths every year are directly attributable to consumption of alcohol. The death rate in the USA for Cirrhosis of the liver: 26,050 per year, 2,170 per month, 500 per week, 71 per day, 2 per hour, 0 per minute, 0 per second.
("cirrhosis" (Digestive diseases in the United States: Epidemiology and Impact – NIH Publication No. 94-1447, NIDDK, 1994)

And alcohol has been shown to be as addictive as morphine. The recovery rate for an alcoholic is 2%. Alcoholism is a worldwide epidemic due, I believe because it is so inexpensive and so easy to get. ?

I've known many, many people who chose alcohol as their drug of choice and whose lives were literally destroyed and I have to say it is one of the more unglamorous ways to 'chill'. There is no one more unattractive or more obnoxious than someone who is insanely drunk.
You won't find anyone who will tell you that you are a 'vision of loveliness' with bleary eyes, reeking of alcohol fumes and wearing rumpled clothes, much less with flecks of vomit on you because you decided you had to have to have that last drink, irregardless of the fact that you already had 'one' too many.

Liston to some advice, PLEASE from someone who REALLY knows...
If you drink ... STOP. If that means going to AA, seeing a physician or going in for detox, DO IT. BE BRAVE and SAVE Yourself. Do whatever You need to do to stop drinking alcohol. Yes, it is hard. One of the most difficult and tortuous things you will ever attempt. But believe me when I tell you that it will also be one of the greatest things you can do in your life for yourself, your family and your friends.
Never ever doubt the enormity of the impact your drinking causes to every single person even remotely connected with you and how immense the change will be when you take the courageous step to live your life without alcohol; for you, your family and your friends.

And if you are a friend of someone with a drinking problem, you can only do so much. You cannot make them stop drinking. But you can support and love your friend.
Don't be afraid to take a firm stand in regards to what you are willing to tolerate; "Listen, I love you but I do not love alcohol or the way it affects you. If our friendship is as important to you as it is to me, you will respect my request not to be around me if you are drinking or intoxicated."
And then stick to it and be firm.

The rest is up to your friend...

Until next time...

Love and Light To All,
LadiofZen


Some statistics on alcohol abuse from http://www.about-alcohol-abuse.com/

*
According to alcohol abuse and alcoholism facts uncovered by alcohol research, American youth who drinking before the of age 15 are four times more likely to image: doctor holding hand of alcohol abuser become alcoholics than young people who do not drink before the age of 21. This statistic focuses on the importance of drinking at a later rather than at an earlier age. This statistics also points out very clearly how abuse and alcohol go together, even for teenagers.

* The 25.9% of underage drinkers who are alcohol abusers and alcohol dependent drink 47.3% of the alcohol that is consumed by all underage drinkers.

* Every day in the U.S. more than 13,000 children and teens take their first drink. Among other things, this means that many of these teens will understand first hand the relationship between abuse and alcohol.

* Every year, 1,400 American college students between the ages of 18 and 24 die from alcohol-related accidents and injuries, including motor vehicle accidents. Traffic fatalities, perhaps more than any other statistics, point out the devastating realities that often result from alcohol abuse and alcoholism.

* image: college couple drinking beer on vacation In the United States during 2004, 16,694 deaths occurred as a result of alcohol-related motor-vehicle crashes. This amount was approximately 39% of all traffic fatalities. This amounts to one alcohol-related death every 31 minutes. This statistic, quite honestly, is overwhelming. Talk about abuse and alcohol---one alcohol related traffic fatality every 31 minutes and the grief and devastation suffered from these deaths is beyond comprehension.

* Here's one of the alcohol abuse and alcoholism facts and an alcohol statistic that though logical, is something that most drinkers and non-drinkers probably do not know: The 9.6% of adult alcoholics drink 25% of the alcohol that is consumed by all adult drinkers.

* Every year in the U.S. more than 150,000 college students develop health problems that are alcohol-related. This is additional evidence that alcohol abuse and alcoholism, unfortunately, are intimately interrelated to one another.

* Alcohol abuse and alcoholism cost the United States an estimated $220 billion in 2005. This dollar amount was more than the cost associated with cancer ($196 billion) and obesity ($133 billion). Though dollar amounts like this are hard to comprehend, at least they make an attempt at placing a dollar value on the relationship of abuse and alcohol.