The End Of The World As I Knew It...

Monday October 26, 2009, my world as I knew it came to an end.

My mother, who was my best friend, fiercest supporter and favorite person, passed away.

My mother had Alzheimer's for several years and the last few had been the hardest as she lost the ability to speak and recognize family members. When I would visit her, I felt such anguish at not being able to communicate with her since one of our favorite things before she fell ill, had been to sit and talk for hours.

My mother had a wonderful sense of humor and many were the times where we would become hysterical over something silly, tears running down our faces as we uncontrollably laughed. Her death wasn't unexpected since she had been in a hospice nursing home but her death seemed unreal to me, like a hideous nightmare I wanted desperately to awake from.

At the funeral as I went up to her casket sobbing, I lay my head on her stomach as I had done so many times as a small child. The pain of knowing I would never see her again, talk or laugh with her or just be with her, was devastating for me although the feeling wasn't something new. I have missed her presence in my life for the past several years as she became more and more ill with Alzheimer's as well as other illnesses.  My mother had a very hard life and it wasn't until recently I realized how very strong she was and what unbreakable spirit she had. I am proud of my mother, of the person she was. After the funeral, at the family gathering, my siblings told me how very much like my mother I was in my gestures and appearance and I take that as a comfort.

Her support of me as an adult was unwavering, her love constant and her friendship a joy. That support, love and friendship was not just limited to me but to my two sons, Joshuea and Jefferson, whom she loved as though they were her own.

On one of the last visits I had with her, as I was leaning over her to say goodbye, I kissed her forehead and told her how much I loved her, I saw tears brimming in her eyes. The look on her face almost undid me as I, myself began to cry. I told her how very much I loved her and that we would always be together, and always be a part of each other.

And I think, in my heart that she not only heard me, but understood me as well.

I love you Mommy, so much.

Be happy now, you are free...

LadiofZen

Posts will be on hold...

As my mother passed away yesterday after fighting a very long battle with Alzheimer's.
Please if you would, say a prayer for her. Thank you and God bless...


LadiofZen

Public Gallery - Angelreachingforheaven - Beliefnet Community

Public Gallery - Angelreachingforheaven - Beliefnet Community

FIELDS by Lizabella Stephenson

FIELDS

Where are we going

I ask my love

For a walk

She tells me

And I smile 

At this new adventure

This odyssey she will take me on

I gaze at the sleek fineness of her skin 

The dark eloquence of her eyes

She takes my hand in hers

And we walk, her and I

Through overgrown and lush fields

Fertile and fragrant 

The green growth strokes our thighs as we walk

I feel the warm graciousness of the sun on my back 

And I want to pull my lover down

Here, in the brilliant and perfumed paradise

And linger

Down amongst this ambrosial softness 

And place honeyed smooth kisses

Upon the tender arch at her throat

But I continue to walk with her

This woman who has so totally captured my heart

Here, she says and pulls me gently down beside her

I feel the warm sweet breezes playing with my face and neck

You must let me go, she tells me

And I feel a deep quaking in my soul

How can I let go of this woman?

As much a part of my heart

As the veins that run through it

If I let her go

This love of mine

Who will I be?

As long and as tightly as I have held on to her 

I can't, I won't

Please don't ask this of me

I ask no more of you, she answers

Than I ask of myself

I reach for her hands

But now they are fragile and weak

The silky smoothness that was her voice 

Is husky, harsh and a wound to my ears, heart and my soul

I look into my love's face

And it is a face of illness, pain and suffering

Eyes now dull and lusterless 

The winds have changed

Glacial, frigid and cutting

The sky, dark and ominous

The grasses in which we sit

Are dry and jagged and bruise my skin

I look away across the fields in which we sit

And I am full of anguish, desolation and regrets

I love you, she says, I always will

I feel warmth upon my back

And it is bright again

The grasses are soft with sympathy and forgiving

The sun is out again, I turn to tell her

But she is gone

A trick of light

Or a figment of my imagination?

I lift myself to my feet

And begin to move forward

Head up, eyes on the horizon

It's what she would have wanted

And it's what I will give her... 

LizaBella Stephenson 

The Frightening World of Calalini...

Jani is seven years old. She is a very bright (IQ of 146) little girl with a headful of tangled curls and endless energy. She is also a severe schizophrenic. She lives in the world of Calalini, a world she says that is the border between her world and ours. She has over two hundred imaginary friends; 200 the rat, Magical 61 the cat, two little girls named 100 degrees and 24 hours and 400 the cat, are just a few of the many that inhabit her realm. Doctors say that only one per cent of Americans suffer from schizophrenia and most become ill in their teenage years with one in ten ending in suicide. Jani's case is one of the most severe and the most rare; a child born with schizophrenia. There is only one other case of a child being diagnosed with schizophrenia so young, at age six. Jani suffers from hallucinations, delusions and rages so severe that even her own parents are frightened of her. She is on enough medication to topple an adult and yet even the heavy cocktail of drugs she takes to help control her disease, barely seem to touch it.

Because Jani is prone to violence and has kicked and bitten her baby brother, her parents have two apartments they can barely afford and care for Jani in shifts.  Susan, a former radio traffic reporter and Michael, a college English instructor, try to figure out how to protect their eighteen month old son and provide as much stability as possible for their devastatingly ill daughter. Recently, Jani was on Oprah but the interview did not go well and Oprah's frustration was evident as she tried to interview Jani amidst Jani's violent protests that she did not want to talk! 

Unless someone steps in and helps this poor family, the outlook will only get bleaker. Schizophrenia is a progressive disease which means as sick as Jani is, she will only get sicker. And what then? Will she be hospitalized to live her life out institutionalized? Doctors are at loss on how to help Jani. If she were in her teens, there might be a hope of finding a way to control her psychotic behavior, but she is only a little girl who was unlucky enough to be born with one of the most devastating of diseases.  There are simply no resources to care for a child so young with such a serious mental disorder. Jani's father worries the heavy doses of medication will kill his daughter but if she doesn't take the drugs prescribed, she might kill herself. And her parents have begun to lose hope.

Who will come forward to help Jani? Oprah has championed many charities and causes. Why can't Jani not be one of them? And as my son Josh has said, "Why can't doctors study Jani's brain not only to help her but to also help the thousands of people who suffer just like her?" And my question to my son was,"Why can't someone start a website to raise money for Jani's care?" But even with unlimited funds, there is no cure for this disease. No magic pill to make it go away and no special place Jani can go that will be the ultimate answer. My heart aches for this family, for this little girl and I want to help so I will be building a website. I will let you all know when it is up and ready. Until then, please pray for Jani and her family because as it looks right now, it's up to God.  

Until next time...

Love and Light to All,

LadiofZen 

For the full story of Jani and her family go to http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-schizophrenia29-2009jun29,0,5289139,full.story

Going on Faith

...So now a group of Italian scientists are claiming that 'The Shroud of Turin' is a man made fake. For those of you who are not familiar, 'The Shroud of Turin' is revered as the ancient burial cloth of Jesus Christ. The shroud shows the image of a man who was crucified with wounds in the wrists and feet with bloodstains seeping. Believers say the image was recorded at the time of Christ's resurrection.

The scientists reproduced the shroud using materials that were available in the 14th century so therefore they say, it is a hoax and a fake. And yet, certain things about the original remain unexplained, such as certain discolorations and markings that believers say could not be reproduced by any type of human means.

I'm one of the believers and it annoys me that for many, many years, certain groups have tried to disprove 'The Shroud of Turin' a fake. Why is it so important to prove that it is not real? Even if it were 'man made' it is a constant reminder of Christ's Crucifixion and Resurrection.  Is it so wrong in this graceless day and age to want to believe there is a power greater than ourselves? And that this power loves us unconditionally? 

I am a spiritual person but don't believe in orthodox religion nor do I attend church services. Buddhism comes closest to my belief system. Many religions, if not all, are based on the belief that there is a greater force than ourselves at work. Call it 'God', 'The Universe' or whatever your name for it might be, it brings comfort and peace to millions upon millions every second of every single day. 

Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing as defined by Wikipedia. It also means believing without having concrete evidence and having trust in oneself and in your own personal beliefs.

Saying that I believe in 'The Shroud of Turin' is also saying I believe in God, The Universe and 'The Powers That Be' and that comforts me. It makes me all the more aware that we are not alone in this very large and sometimes frightening world and that there is a 'Force and or Power' looking out for us, even when we feel the most lost, and that it is continual and never ending.

"The Shroud of Turin' is real because I believe it to be so. Because I have faith. Because I trust...

What do you believe?

Until next time, Love and Light to You All...

For more information about 'The Shroud of Turin' go to http://www.shroud.com/index.htm

 

  

Fighting to Survive in This Ecomony

...Like most of us in these hard times, I am struggling to pay my bills. Trying to find some way to add to my income has been frustrating and unfruitful, to say the least. I have been scammed too many times to count so you think I would know better than to let it happen again. This last venture not only disappointed me but left me angry as well. 

With Lauryn Herbert's Effortless Web Cash Formula you pay $37 for a bunch of useless ebooks that you couldn't sell to an Eskimo in a snowstorm, literally. There is no refund of course because they don't want to have to give your money back when you fail to make the $100 -$300 a day income they claim you will make in 24-48 hours.
I worked the program, step by step for five days practically 24 hours a day and did not make a single dime.
I should have known better. I googled Lauryn Herbert's name and saw a lot of good things written about her but later then I realized she had written these things about herself as shameless self promotion.
As a self-proclaimed coach and  mentor, she is one of the rudest and most boorish persons I have had the unfortunate opportunity to come across.
I did ask for a refund because I felt cheated and she had one of her assistants call me long distance after I had sent her an email. After he started raising his voice at me, I hung up.
Below is the email I sent her:
I see....you are really doing well for yourself. Never mind that you are scamming people out of their money, in this economy where people can barely afford to eat.
Instead of being the helpful guru you've portrayed yourself as, I found you to be rude and boorish to the point where I simply stopped asking questions and tried to figure it out on my own.
How disappointing...you are just like every other scammer out there; only concerned with yourself and what you can get out of people. What does it matter if you lie to get a sale because I know that you know there is no way to make the money your are claiming.

The only one making money out of this is you.
Well, I'm off to the SCAM Forums to write a review..

And here is what her assistant wrote me back:
From: support
Subject: Re: Refund Request
Date: Monday, September 28, 2009, 3:12 PM

You don't want to hear the truth obviously. I know, it's much easier to blame someone else for your failure. That's how the world works. Of course you're not interested in someone calling you to give you answers...it doesn't surprise me. You purchased 17 ebooks. Those are digital goods. You cannot return those to me and as such,
all sales are final. If we were such a scam, we wouldn't bother mentioning it very clearly in the free ebook available BEFORE purchase. We hide nothing. You probably looked right over it is
the issue.

I'm sure you are off to the scam forums to write a review. People like you can only be good at things like that. Good luck - you will need it. Why don't you include my personal phone number
in your review. I bet you won't do that.
Frank
360.980.4825

My advice? Do not get involved with these people. And please don't pay them $37 for ebooks and an butt ugly website (not to mention the $10 fee to register with GoDaddy for a domain name and the $10 Lauryn charges to take that domain over) that they claim you will make $200 a day on because you might as well throw your money in the trash. You won't make $300 or $200 or even $100. I doubt very seriously you will even make your $37 back.

Oh, and feel free to call 'Frank' (if in fact that is his real name). I'm sure he will have a million excuses as to why I didn't make any money with this 'sure fire' program. But be careful...he likes to yell.

Do yourself a favor. If you are thinking of trying an affiliate program or something similar to this, check it out, and then check it out again. Do as much research as you can. Remember that you are parting with your hard earned money. Go to SCAM.com and also google the company name with the word 'scam?'after it. 

If it's a scam, you'll find out.

Until next time,

Love and Light to All...
LadiofZen

How Long Does the Pain Last? As Long as it Lasts...

Several years ago, I fell head over heels in love with a woman. For those of you that don't know, I am a lesbian and have been since 1992. This woman was everything; brilliant, funny and wise, I could not help but love and adore her.

Because it was a long distance relationship and because we were both ill at the time (me, bipolar disorder and she with an auto-immune disease), after six years and many, many ups and downs, I ended it. There is much more to the story than that but much too much to go into here.

Even though I had ended it and she accepted my decision, I was devastated. I grieved constantly; sitting alone by myself, in the bath, listening to music, at bed at night. I couldn't eat, could sleep and was unable to even think clearly, the pain was so intense. I made myself physically ill over the loss of her. Part of my grief had to do with the fact that we couldn't try again. We had done that several times and this parting was to be the last.

I couldn't face the fact that she was not to be a part of my life any longer. I would ask my friends,"How long? How long is it going to hurt like this?", but they had no answers for me. They could only look on with concern and assure me that I was loved and cared for.

I tried everything to ease the pain which sometimes doubled me over with the intensity of it.

I tried dating other people but they only reminded me that they were not her and I realized how unfair it was to the person I was dating so I stopped dating altogether.

I tried hating her because I thought it would make it easier but I couldn't do it...I still loved her deeply. And I prayed to God to take the pain away and to forgive me for hurting her.

Finally, after two years it started to ease. I could think of her and not have tears well up in my eyes. I could remember the gifts she gave me and cherish them. I could smile as I remembered some of the funny and witty things she had said. And I was grateful to God and The Universe for allowing me the chance to know her.

So how long does it take to get over a broken heart? As long as it takes...

There is no set time and each person is different. Go ahead and grieve. Accept the truth of the situation because nothing is served by lying to yourself. Be honest about how you are feeling to yourself and to others. Be good to yourself during this time.

Meditate, read some self help books, watch some comedies...Yes, love can be extremely painful and may not seem not worth the risk. But it is, that glorious feeling of love for another person is a feeling that gives you wings and allows you to fly.

So when you feel sad, allow yourself to feel sad and acknowledge the loss. And know that it won't last forever. It may seem like it, but it won't. One day, the pain will seem a little less and the next day, maybe a little more...

And never, ever give up on Love...

Until next time, My Friends,

Love and Light to All...

Madness Personified

Elizabeth Bathery was born into a powerful Hungarian family in 1560. The family, though of noble blood, had with a history of madness, Elizabeth Bathery would eventually characterize the family history. Engaged at eleven to a young nobleman, Forenz Nessadi who she married at fifteen but not before she became pregnant by a peasant. Carrying an illegitimate child, she was sent away to live at a remote castle until the child was born and the child was handed away to a peasant woman.

For ten years the couple had no children as Elizabeth's husband was making his career fighting and winning victory over the Turks. In 1585, Elizabeth had her first daughter and in the nine years following, she had two more. It was while her husband was away fighting, that the horror began. One day a servant girl was combing Elizabeth's hair and  pulled it too hard and Elizabeth slapped her. The young girl's blood fell upon Elizabeth's hand and when she wiped it away, she noticed the skin was softer and smoother. Since Elizabeth was obsessed with staying young and beautiful, her thirst for blood became evident as young peasant girls began disappearing from neighboring villages.. 

Her rituals were as macabre as they were horrible. She began imprisoning, torturing and killing the local peasant girls with the aid of her old nurse Jo Ilona who was also purported to be a witch, and several other servants. Elizabeth would beat the peasant girls bloody, stick hot pokers in their mouths, use scissors to cut open their veins to drain the blood into a container so that she could then bathe in the blood, convinced she had found the fountain of youth. She would also stick pins into various body parts and in the winter, she would have her victims stripped and led out into the snow and drenched with water until they were frozen. A favorite ritual was to have her victims stripped, covered with honey and left outside for the insects...Some of these rituals shen learned from her husband who would torture Turkish prisoners

She was eventually caught and put on trial but because she was of noble blood, could not be executed, although the servants who helped her including Jo Ilona, were. In her journal and in her own handwriting, Elizabeth listed 650 victims. Her punishment was to be walled up in her castle so that she could never again see the light of day. Two years later, she died.

For a more detailed account of her life, go to http://www.istrianet.org/istria/legends/vampires/bathory.htm#ilona

Alan Turing

Alan Turing was a mathematical genius and cryptographer. He was also reported to have thought up an imaginary computer. While attempting to crack a Nazi code during World War II, he ended up actually building one. Not a small feat by any means and his work helped to defeat the Allies.

Now here's where this becomes a horror story. In January 1952, Turing was openly homosexual when homosexuality at that time was considered either a crime or mental illness. Picking up a young man one night, he took him home. The young man burgled Turing's home and when Turing went to the police station to report it, he was arrested for homosexuality which was then illegal in England. He was tried and convicted and given the choice of two sentences; two years in prison or chemical castration.

He chose chemical castration. He was to receive hormone injections once a year to render him impotent, which it did and caused humiliating anguish. It caused his body to bloat and as he told one of his friends in horror,"Look at me! I've grown breasts!

Two years later, Turing committed suicide by biting into a cyanide covered apple.   No doubt the treatment he was subjected to was enough to cause the despair which would lead him to take his own life. 

Because he was homosexual, this genius of a man who was brilliant enough to build one of the world's first computers, a leader in artificial intelligence, was forced to undergo a horrible fate. One that he could not live with. The story is tragic in the extreme.

But it brings up an interesting point. What if all rapists and child molesters were given this treatment? Even though they would have no sexual desire, would they still be able to hurt someone, if only with their hands? Would they still have the need? And if this was implemented, would it help solve the extreme over crowding in prisons? Would this be the answer to terrible problem of killers, rapists and molesters being set free over and over to commit their atrocities on yet another victim? Is it barbaric to consider such a thing in this day and age? Or is it a fitting justice for the victims of such crimes?

Alan Turing was a lot of things; eccentric, brilliant and openly gay but he not a killer. He was not a rapist and he was not a child molester. He was a homosexual.

Therein lies the difference...

Paranoia or The Rumblings of an Out of Control World?

I think we have all read or heard the story of Anna Le whose body was found this past Sunday in a basement building where she worked as a medical researcher. What makes this story all the more tragic is that Anna Le, beautiful, young and a life full of promise was found dead on the day she was to be married to her college sweetheart, Columbia University graduate student Jonathan Widawsky. The police cited it as an act of workplace violence. There didn't appear to be any motive and if there was, the police aren't saying. Raymond Clark III was arrested for the crime. Clark looks like any normal guy but then so did Ted Bundy. Richard Levin, president of Yale, gave a statement after Clark's arrest saying that his employment history gave no indication he was capable of such a crime.  

What is happening to the world and the people in it that we now have to worry about our safety not just from gangs and the usual lifetime criminals like robbers, murderers, rapists and child molesters but now everyday people. We now have to worry about the person sitting next to us on the bus who seems to gaze at us just a beat too long or the guy who just started jogging on the same trail and seems to follow just a bit too closely, or the neighbor several doors down who seems so nice but a bit 'off' or as in Anna Le's case, someone we work with.

What causes seemingly normal random people to suddenly commit an act of violence, without reason or motive? Have we all become so desensitized by the media that taking a life means nothing? Or is it as many of the television evangelists have predicted; that we are reverting back to beasts?  

Is it that there is more violence now than back in our parent's day or is it that we are just hearing more about it because we have such access to it?

While watching 'Women Behind Bars' one evening, I decided to watch a few and hear their stories and the one thing that was said over and over was, "I just lost control. It happened so fast..."

I remember thinking, "That could happen to anyone". We all have lost control at some point in our lives but to lose enough control that you actually end someone's life? I could never, ever imagine such a thing. And yet, day after day we see pictures of women who have been murdered by their husbands or boyfriends or children  whose death was caused by their own parents hands.

I don't understand it...I never will.

Paranoia or a World Out of Control? You tell me...