About four months ago, I had a mental breakdown.
There were a number of contributing factors;
I was ill and very thin from side effects from medication, I was also in the middle of a break up with my partner of nine months; a breakup my partner did not want, I had just lost my mother from Alzheimer's the previous October and was still in deep grief, both of my sons whom I love dearly were planning on moving away very soon to begin new lives, I was fifty three and looking at my life alone and frightened out of my wits and there was a tremendous amount of stress in the household.
These things did not cause my breakdown but they did contribute to it.
And so I went into a deep dark decline that I believed I would not come out of.
I was so sure of it that I decided on cremation because of cost and checked with an attorney about a will to be drawn up and decided to half my school funds for college between both of my sons for when I was no longer around.
In other words, I was going to commit suicide...
During that time where it was always midnight, I wept at the slightest provocation, which turned out to be constantly. I slept whenever and wherever I could, since my sleep cycle was so off, there would be times where I would not be able to sleep for a straight 48-72 hours, and so I was always exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I walked around in a medicated daze, not knowing what I was doing or saying and not even caring.
I did not want to talk...to anyone, not even to my brothers or sister.
I felt so completely alone in my suffering that I could not imagine anyone conceiving even slightly what I was going through and I was too exhausted to explain.
Not that my siblings tried that hard as we are not a close family and that is putting it mildly.
I received one phone call from my younger brother asking what was going on and when I didn't have the words to answer, he told me to call him back when I could talk.
I didn't call back.
I took it day by day, enduring the most intense emotional pain that I believe I have ever
experienced in my life, so intense that it became almost a physical thing.
I thought I would literally die from it and spent many a day and night in my ex partners arms
sobbing in deep pain and grief.
And I believed that if it didn't kill me, I would kill myself because I could not live through such horrible pain.
I began to give my things away and make necessary decisions and so became very peaceful in my emotional state.
I felt as though a great burden had been lifted.
I could finally breathe again. And I was, for the first time in a very long time, at peace.
Not so for my immediate family who were terrified and worried sick.
I refused to be hospitalized, explaining that I was choosing to handle things differently this time.
My sons were not fooled nor was my ex-partner who wasted no time in calling a 'Family Intervention' to confront me about my illness and how it was affecting the family.
The intervention was a
failure as it ended with me sobbing in guilt and hysterical over the pain I was causing my sons. I simply could not see clearly enough to be reasoned with.My family was at a loss so they simply waited, watched and gently cared for me.
It wasn't until my ex-partner's sister Monica came to stay that I had an awakening that saved me.
Monica is a twenty three year old singer/ songwriter who travels on the road.
Immensely talented, fiercely independent, wise beyond her years; it was she who after I had
given her an armload of my things as a gift, began to talk to me about my decision to end my life.
At the time I did not believe I was hearing her, but I was.
A day or so later, Monica left to go to Austin for a few days with musician friends she had
randomly met in downtown Dallas in a single night, in a town she had never been in.
Before she had left, she and Dylan had invited me to Florida to a 'Rainbow Gathering' for
several days of campfires, camp songs, camaraderie and total acceptance.
I hadn't given her an answer but told her I would think about it.
However, when she got back, I told not only would I go, but that I wanted one more chance to be happy. And that I would get down on my knees for one more chance. And that I would try really hard...to be happy.
And you want to know something amazing? I WAS Happy...
Because I made the 'Conscious Decision To BE Happy'.
Monica and Dylan were so overjoyed that they both jumped up and hugged me at once and my sons
are now reassured that 'Mom' is back on the road to recovery.
But it isn't as simple as it may seem. My recovery also requires a change of psychiatrist, a search for a new therapist and commitment to weekly therapy sessions, constant readjustment on my medication...it takes constant work on my part to STAY Happy because I have a brain disorder
that fights against me. When I start to become overwhelmed, I just think,"That means it's 'Me time'...
It Is All Worth It ... Because Life Really Is Beautiful!
And to my wonderful, amazing and loyal family and Friends; I Love You all Dearly With All Of My Heart. Thank You For Holding My Hand In The Dark. You All Are My Soul And My Heart Beat.
And Monica? You Are Awesome!
Until Next Time My Dear Friends...
Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen
