Love Or Something Like It

...Just a question about Love? Ready? Okay, here's one; when you are in the throes of Love, do you think how wonderful it is that you are loved or are you more in awe of who you love?

Not an easy question for most of us. We all become so caught up in what Love is supposed to be, we forget how to enjoy what it is. Contrary to popular belief, music doesn't just break out in thundering soundtrack when you about to share your first kiss or have your first intimate moment.

Love is quieter, discreet, private. Don't get me wrong. I am all for passion. Passion is what keeps out hearts beating and our blood flowing and there is no greater fan of passion than I.

But the moments that mean the most between my partner and I are the quiet simple moments. Those times when you happen to glance up and catch your lover's eye across the room and you know without a doubt what she was thinking by the curve of the smile on her face and the tenderness in her eyes. Or the way she touches you in a simple , gesture of affection and you can feel her wanting of you through her fingertips, or the simple way she runs her hands through your hair absentmindedly...
The feelings that those moments cause are warm, safe ,rich and full of tenderness.

What love isn't is Obsession: an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone. And I have to admit, I have been obsessed with someone just as someone has been obsessed with me. It isn't pretty or healthy and is very very painful from my experience.

Just because you believe you love that 'special someone' and want 'that someone' to love you, because you feel you would be perfect together, because you believe yourself to have found 'the love of your life' doesn't mean just because YOU feel that way, that THEY do. It doesn't mean you will end up together as a couple and if the other party doesn't share your feelings, you run the chance of becoming not only someone who makes them very uncomfortable and want to avoid, but also an annoyance, as well as the pain it will cause both of you. Yes, it hurts...a lot. And yes, sometimes it feels as though you will never get over that person that you are so enthralled with. But you will, I survived and so will you.

Love or Obsession? Learn the difference because the difference will astound you...
Now that you know what Love isn't, go find a beautiful person to love and practice what Love IS...

Until Next time, My Dear Friends...

Light and Love To All,
LadiofZen

I Believe ...

... That everything happens for a reason, from the good to the bad. So with that being said, I have to admit that I am in love. I have only loved like this once before in my life and that ended tragically. I made many mistakes with that relationship and I am determined not to make the same ones with this very new relationship.

Because I have Bipolar Disorder, and am an adult survivor of abuse as well as having come from a very dysfunctional family, relationships take much more work for me than the average person.
I have to constantly remind myself to trust. To stand still while my lover begins to know me inside and out. And to allow myself the joy of feeling loved and loving in return.
Is it easy? Yes and no. Yes because I so adore this special person in my life and no because I have to address knee jerk reactions that come up for me frequently and process them to avoid certain reactions that could cause misunderstandings between myself and my partner.

And while I have shared very important issues such as my medical disorders, the fact that I take three daily medications to control it and that I have to see a psychiatrist every month, there are certain issues regarding my past trauma and my childhood that I have not shared yet but when the time is right, I will because I know now that it is important to do so to establish emotional intimacy and trust. I used to believe that sharing my abuse and trauma would cause too much distress and so I chose not to share with anyone. I kept that part of myself private and closed off, resolutely refusing to share with anyone that chose to come into my life.

And then came K who taught me that if your partner truly loves you, she will gladly carry your burdens along with her own because you would do the same for her. That sharing your mind is just as important as sharing your body, if not more so. And that allowing yourself to be loved is vital to being loved.

So Thank you K...for the gifts you gave me. I couldn't see them then in the haze of my grief but I see them them now in all their glory and I am so grateful to you from the bottom of my heart for your strength and compassion in loving me. You taught me so much. And I so dearly wish I could have understood then what I understand now. But know that I cherish you and your gifts with all of my heart.

And while I could not understand why we both had to go through what we went through together then,
maybe I do now. Because maybe the gifts you gave me were meant for the love I am with now.
Thank you GG for your unending patience and compassion. Thank you Bren for being my sister, in heart and soul.

And to my new love? And you know who you are. Be patient with me and I know that you will, as I strive to love you and allow myself to be loved by you. Know that one day I will share everything with you, I promise...

Love...ain't it grand?

Until next time, My Dear Friends...

Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen

In Praise Of Eccentricity

I am an eccentric. Yes, I admit it. In fact, I love that my friends consider me unique, if a little different at times. And I have to say that most celebrate that trait about me.
A definition of eccentric : a person with an unusual or odd personality
bizarre: conspicuously or grossly unconventional or unusual;
character: a person of a specified kind (usually with many eccentricities); "a real character"; "a strange character"; "a friendly eccentric"; "the capable type"; "a mental case"
not having a common center; not concentric; "eccentric circles"

Being an eccentric, I love the unusual, the different or the extreme. And I love other eccentrics as well. It's as though we speak the same language and we celebrate each other's eccentricities
and character. I'm not sure if I was born eccentric or just became one but I am definitely not of the norm. And I've come to learn that a lot of people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder are considered eccentric to their families and friends as well.

My son Joshuea is a perfect example of an eccentric. As a child, he had very few friends and most children considered him odd. The fact that he had a genius IQ didn't help. In fact, it hurt.
He wasn't into sports or school activities. He read...a lot. And what he read, he remembered.
And it wasn't just that. He read everything he could get his hands on. When he was sixteen, he asked for a Fender Stratacaster guitar for Christmas and then proceeded to teach himself to play guitar by ear and to play so well, it became clear he was musically gifted. When he turned seventeen, suddenly he had a huge following of friends who considered him a guru of sorts. They came to him for answers to their problems, they asked his advice and deferred to his judgment. And they celebrated his uniqueness. And it seemed that overnight, he not only belonged, he was cherished. The years of being an outsider were gone. He became an amazing musician and formed a band and began to play clubs. He also began to write screenplays.

And even though I am blessed enough in my life to have family and friends who celebrate the unique and quirky person that I am, I know that there are other eccentrics in the world who are not lucky enough to have someone in their life to not only accept them just as they are but relish the uniqueness of their character. And that, to me is very sad. Because most, if not all eccentrics are brilliant and gifted as well as very creative and artistic. Some are wonderful poets and writers, some are musicians, others are artists. There are eccentrics in the field of medicine, science and yes, even politics.

Some eccentrics have made a major impact on the world because of their unique ability and bravery to step outside the box and view the world with a different eye. Examples such as Einstein, Dr. Patch Adams, John Lennon as well as Sigmund Freud. And they have done it because of the strength of their belief in themselves and their convictions and worried not a whit about who it offended or what people said. All because of who they were. Because they were eccentric. Because they were unique...

So I say raise your glass, bong or pipe to the eccentric. Celebrate being unique, quirky and different. And if your an eccentric, I say Welcome, My Friend to a Very Elite Club. The Club of Eccentricity. Cherish yourself and the other eccentrics in your life because you will be the ones that can and will change the world...

Until Next Time, My Dear Friends...

Love and Light To You All,
LadiofZen

Chelsea King

Chelsea King, as most of you have heard on the news, disappeared after going for a jog in a San Diego park. While family and friends worried and and thousands of friends and volunteers searched, many wondered and worried what had happened to the seventeen year old Chelsea.
Her car was found in the park with car keys and cell phone inside.
Chelsea King was young, beautiful and an honor student at her high school. Thousands of people who had joined the search, then mourned the Poway High School honor student at a candlelight vigil Tuesday night.

Brent King thanked supporters on the lawn of St. Michael's Church in Poway.

"She's my angel forever," he said.

Five days after her disappearance, her body was found in a shallow lakeside grave in the very park where she had vanished. Thirty year old John Albert Gardner III has been arrested and charged with her death and rape or attempted rape. Gardner is a convicted sex offender who served five years of a six year prison term for molesting a thirteen year old girl in 2000 and is also suspected of a December attack on another female.

Chelsea's death was horrible and sickening in the extreme because it did not have to happen.
How long before the law and courts understand that sex offenders cannot be rehabilitated?
How many more women will we lose this year? Next year? And the year after?

Chelsea's life, so full of promise, was cut short in the most beastly way by a man who should have never been let out of prison in the first place. An animal of a man who preys upon women and who will always prey upon women. It's in his brain, part of his nature and who he is. A beast...
You cannot change that. You can only lock the beast up and away so that he doesn't harm anyone else. Or you put him down.

I pray he gets put down....

RIP Dear Chelsea and know that we mourn your loss, your beauty and your life of promise.
God Rest your soul...

Until next time,

Love and Light to You All,
LadiofZen